Almost two years ago I suspended a friendship of nearly five years with a person a generation younger than me. Intergenerational friendships can be greatly rewarding for both parties. They can also be stressful and irritating, marred on both sides with miscommunications. Generally the pressure is going to be on the older party to be more understanding, compassionate and forgiving. As we age, if we are doing it well, we tend to become more forgiving and more tolerant of others. I am not sure how successful I am being in this regard. I know that I try hard but I guess that in many ways I am a slow learner. My young friend, who lives in a different country, didn't seem to think that I could ever get it right.
As well as being of different generations we are also of very different socio-economic classes. My friend (I am not yet going to call her an ex-friend as I am still holding out in hope for reconciliation) claims to be a child of the One Percent. His father is a doctor, apparently quite a wealthy doctor. You have likely noticed by now that I have referred to my friend in both genders. This is because I greatly want to protect his privacy. It seems that for her the last straw was when I published an edited portion of his email to me on my travel blog. I did this just in case other readers were making similar negative and unkind assumptions about me that she was and I wanted to clarify things once and for all. I also emailed him saying that I was going to suspend our friendship (but not end it) until he changed his attitude.
She was complaining bitterly that there must be something seriously wrong with me, since at least three times in a lengthy trip to Mexico City I had mentioned children negatively. Now I do not hate children. I am not huge on them either. I would say that on a scale of ten, concerning kids I would be about a five. They're okay, they don't especially thrill me, and I hate it when they make lots of noise. Especially on a plane. In economy class. And the darling little screamer is seated right beside me. As occurred during this flight to Mexico City. My Italian friend (but she might be Norwegian) said this is proof that I hate children. He apparently didn't read the part where I said that I really felt sorry for the poor kid who was plainly miserable and frightened as well as for his parents and I actually, instead of complaining about the screaming did everything I could to reach out and support and comfort the child and his parents and they seemed to appreciate this. I wrote also briefly about a small child running around unattended in a restaurant: not a sign of responsible parenting methinks; as well as another toddler screaming at the top of her little but very powerful lungs in Parque Chapultepec until her father hollered back at her and what an effective way this was of quieter. I might mention here that while I am anti-hitting and anti-spanking I still believe in being strict and firm with badly behaved children.
So, my dear Mohinder, my friend who might live in Mumbai, I don't hate children and I don't have a particular problem with noise as you have charged. I simply like children to be a little bit well behaved with responsible parents. You don't have to agree, but please refrain from judging me based upon your untested biases.
Then there was this matter of me speaking up on behalf of elderly subway passengers who were forced to remain standing while young and fit looking idiots occupied the clearly indicated courtesy seats. Being fluent in Spanish I addressed those selfish young people. They all ignored me. I expressed empathy to the elderly passengers who expressed back appreciation. On their way off the Metro I confronted two of these young people with the words "Espero que ustedes se sientan mucha verguenza", or I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves. I know the culture rather well in Mexico and am well aware that the elderly and disabled are traditionally honoured and cared for and that though a visitor I am well in my rights to address this kind of rudeness. My friend who lives in Helsinki doesn't seem to agree with this and responded in very offended tones declaring that often when he is on the bus he simply ignores elderly passengers who are standing since he might be feeling tired.
I felt flabbergasted and shocked by this proud declaration of obvious narcissistic selfishness and wondered why would I want anyone who is so lacking a moral or ethical compass for a friend?
My young friend who lives in Tokyo (but she could be from Sydney, Australia) also took exception when I wrote something unkind upon the Mexican One Percent, following a walk through their wealthiest neighbourhood, Las Lomas de Chapultepec. According to Toshiko I hate rich people and since her parents are wealthy I must hate them and by extension I must hate her. For this reason I was asked to take him, my friend from Buenos Aires off my email list.
This was upsetting to me, for a few reasons. First of all, I had already been receiving from him for over the past year emails that I found to be increasingly negative, judgemental and even vindictive, where, if I mentioned even one single thing that he disagreed with or found disturbing he would completely ignore almost the entire content of my email, no matter how worthy or interesting, and simply focus on the one single detail that he found offensive, call me on it, and suggest that I really ought to strive to be a better person or work on my self-improvement. Getting a series of emails like this became after a while upsetting. I started feeling hated by him and undermined. This wasn't just good natured disagreement, it was dislike I was getting from him. On top of this, after giving her emotional support over the death of a beloved family member, when I reported the death of my own father this went completely ignored.
I have concluded that this individual is a selfish narcissist with no moral compass.
I hope that one day my friend proves otherwise. I do not like ending friendships and I will still allow time to heal and renew things between us. After sending him a few links to this blog he responded expressing resentment over the issues I have just written about here. After two years! I simply responded that I owe him nothing and he owes me nothing and could we please move on from there? I hope and pray that we do.
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