Christian community does not have to be an oxymoron. I think once we give up our dreams and ideals of community we begin to see things a little more clearly and this is essential for building a new community. When I started attending St. Paul's I was still recovering from trauma resulting from church and religious abuse. It took me a long time to learn to trust anyone there and I still to this day struggle with trust. Now that I am assured that no one is out to discredit, ostracise me or pressure me to go on medications that I do not need (yes, it did get that bad in my previous Anglican parish) I have even made a few friends here. I have also lost a couple but this has already been covered in my last post. This morning as I was worrying and fretting about my poor relations with people at church I realized that I was not considering the many more with whom I have a sense of friendship. The glass is half full. More than half.
I had to decide that I was going to tough it out at St. Paul's. I have spent many years going from church to church and running from church and now at St. Paul's especially given my age it is time to stop running. Now I have to see these dragons reckoned with and pacified, since they will neither die nor run away. For my first five years I seemed always on the verge of leaving. I was often taking long holidays from church, often for many months. It was all very stressful for a long time and given that I work in a stressful occupation (mental health support), coming to church Sundays into another stressful environment simply compounded things, making it difficult for me to do my job well because it was so exhausting. Deciding that going to church was never going to feed me or pay my rent, for the sake of keeping my job I decided to treat myself to extended breaks from St. Paul's as needed. This has been actually very effective, and needed and even though my attendance has been nearly flawless for most of the last two years, I am still holding onto this option and will continue to apply as needed.
I have always been outspoken and a bit suspicious of others, not a good combination of traits if one wants to make friends in a new church. The rector and I began to visit on a regular, almost monthly, basis, meeting to dine in a very pleasant Thai restaurant just two blocks from the church. We didn't always agree, in fact, we often clashed, especially during the first year.
My first red flag with the previous rector occurred during our first meeting, in the church office, when I became concerned that he was trying to play psychiatrist with me. Such disrespect! I did not delay in setting the boundary. I told him "You are not my therapist and you are not going to become my therapist. I already saw a psychiatrist for four years and as much as I value the therapy I have received this is not the sequel" With a little trepidation he consented to my demand. I was clashing with a lot of parishioners, not because I was a particularly aggressive person but because we are a church full of hurting people with festering wounds and issues and baggage. There were also some major differences between us. I am a pacifist. The previous rector and most of St. Paul's at the time were staunch supporters of the Canadian Military and the war in Afghanistan. My pacifism, and my outspokenness about it made me some enemies. So did my strong opinions about sex. St. Paul's has a high GBLT population and they are all in very different places with their sexuality and spirituality. I was not comfortable with the connection to the annual Gay Pride Parade (I'm still a bit ambivalent) and what I consider to be rather loose morals among some parishioners. To be perfectly frank, I am okay with same sex marriage. I am not okay with extra or premarital sex at least not for Christians. And I particularly bridle when I see or hear about people being sexualized and sexually objectified, especially by professing Christians. Easy for me I guess, given that I'm asexual and therefore impartial, but seriously folks. If gay Christians wish to be taken seriously then they had better be prepared to order their personal lives in much the same way that straight Christians are asked to order theirs: no sex before marriage and within marriage only with your covenanted partner. That is not my teaching if you must quibble about it, it is throughout the New Testament. Go tell it to the Judge. Try and argue with the Boss.
My inauspicious beginnings in St. Paul's also didn't help. I began attending just a month or two before Stewardship Month and found myself under constant pressure to start shoving out money that I did not have for the church. After just two months attendance. Even after I told them that I was on a low income, pulling in less than fifteen grand a year they still wouldn't leave me alone about money. Then came the miscommunications and more miscommunications and the previous rector's unfortunate tendency of refusing to think or say anything unflattering about his beloved parishioners. Especially if they happened to be among his circle of favourites. And never tell a mother that her children are ugly. Well, I told him, "Ma, your kids are ugly. Plug ugly, butt ugly hideous!" After several tries he finally stopped getting defensive and upon hearing some very plausible accounts from me about mistreatment I had received by certain parishioners actually began to pay attention and act on my behalf.
It's better now, I would even say much better. I even have a few friends in the parish, and even sometimes visit them for coffee or dinner, when I can successfully pull them away from their many all-engrossing activities, and vice-versa. (you know who you are and from the bottom of my heart, Thanks!!) The idea of community so lovely and beguiling, in practice is still very frightening. We have to be willing to move closer together if community is going to happen, which means moving further out from our comfort zones. One faltering, staggering step at a time.
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