Forgiveness is hard. I don't know if we ever get it right. I know that I struggle, and I think I recall last summer announcing that I was going to work on forgiveness and reconciliation. I must have bit off more than I could chew. I remember a line from George Macdonald's famous novel "Lilith", where some one says something like, "Why bless you for this. It gives me something to forgive." I have always remembered and held close this truth. To forgive is a blessing. The act of forgiveness itself is a blessing. It doesn't happen overnight. It sometimes takes years. As long as the hurt is there and dominates like an abscessed wisdom tooth we are not going to feel much like forgiving someone who has hurt us. Especially if we have been traumatized. I am right now particularly disenchanted with one person for recently mistreating me and there are two others, a couple in my circle who also appear to be equally angry at me. However this couple seems quite codependent so it is difficult to tell if it is just one spouse or both (two women) but I suspect that it is just one and the other is staying quiet to keep the peace at home so to speak. I'm not always as kind as I ought to be. I do try to be as kind as I can be and I usually try and I try hard. I think most of us do but we often trip over ourselves, lose our footing and then we need help getting back up on our feet again.
I used to believe strongly that if someone has offended me then they have to explain and apologize. Lately I am becoming conscious of my own capacity for offending others. I am usually shocked, especially because the result is so opposite to what I intended. I believe everyone goes through this. Something was said carelessly or insensitively, someone who does not share your kind of humour has been deeply hurt by something you've said or done...We can apologize and explain till we're blue in the face and it is still not a guarantee of forgiveness.
Or we can offer one another a general amnesty. For really serious stuff such as theft, murder, rape, major acts of racism and other injustice explanations and apologies are essentials. I am thinking of these minor things that build up between people, irritations that build into palpable rage.
I am not saying we can all be friends or that we are all safe together. Far from it. I can forgive someone for abusing me, as happened recently, but as long as I don't feel safe in this person's presence I am avoiding her. I also respect the desire of the other friend to avoid me, likely for the same reasons. We really can't help what we are. We can do whatever damage control we are able but sooner or later we have to hang up our whips (the ones we lash ourselves with) and accept that at best we are all a work in progress.
Time and patience can make all the difference. Perhaps even an act of kindness to the person who offended us? I have tried this and it often works. One thing we cannot expect really is that someone else is going to change in a way that suits our comfort or values and if you happen to be married or living with someone like that then maybe now is the time to consider if you can afford to pay the rent alone.
We each carry a shadow. As people become close to each other their shadows are going to touch and eventually envelop. This merging of shadows can easily become either a shelter from the blistering heat of the sun or a chill cold and alarming darkness, in which case it is time to disengage and return to the warm and healing daylight. Then and only then can we forgive and if we cannot forgive what was done to us can we at least forgive each other? and ourselves?
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