I am a participant in a Meet Up Spanish conversation group at the local YMCA. It is a great group with a wonderful range of people, volunteers from all parts of Latin America and Spain and almost every kind, class, age and ethnicity of members one could imagine. The conversations and discussions can get very interesting, energetic and animated at times and even though we have a different theme every week it is not uncommon to stray far away from the topic de jour (sorry about the French, let's say el tema al dia?) However, this post is not about Spanish but touches on an insight that occurred for me during our discussion.
The topic this week was about the various kinds of food in Latin America. We somehow strayed to the subject of how history is always written by the winners and how difficult it can be to accurately mine the truth about almost anything. Our facilitator suggested that truth might be relative and I agreed with him, sort of, but I think mainly to avoid getting into one of those endless debates about details and language that never really get anywhere. What I did say before, and actually believe is that the truth often exists on all sides but is often obscured, hidden and forgotten by the many lies and experience of trauma and victory felt collectively on all sides, by entire peoples and nations and by individuals, and this thread of truth can remain hidden and deeply buried, for years, centuries or millennia.
I believe this to be largely true between individuals in the most mundane circumstances as well. We all have opinions, our personal positions and insights, wisdom and blindness and what we all seem to hold in common is that no one, not one of us can ever see the whole truth, about anything. I would suppose then, that to really learn the truth then one has to listen, to really truly listen. This can be difficult, well, it is difficult and sometimes impossible or nearly impossible. I have my own opinions, my insights, my blind spots and my own areas of stubborn refusal to change my opinions no matter how glaringly bright the light of truth might be shining in my face.
I think I would like to be a good listener, or a better listener. This doesn't mean that others are going to return the favour, indeed, I am going to have to gear myself for having my patience and kindness tested beyond their limits if I am really going to set out to listening to others without reciprocity. Only if I am really desirous to learn will I be able to pull this off, and to want to learn, to be teachable, requires humility.
A tactic I sometimes employ at work with some of my clients is what could be called active listening. My client might be spouting off about any sort of event or situation or experience and I could find her opinion absolutely obnoxious and offensive to all that I hold sacred. But my client still needs to be heard and part of my job is to listen without judging. It doesn't mean no feedback neither does it mean that I am not allowed to disagree nor vocalize that I disagree. But this can only come if first I can really assure and reassure my client that I have heard her, that to whatever extent I can that I understand her and I respect and appreciate the time and courage she has taken to be so candid with me. I have often found too that having heard her out that some of my opposing positions no longer seem so strong or necessary to defend. I have even modified some of my opinions and taken different perspectives thanks to practicing this kind of listening. This hasn't been easy because so often we use our opinions as ballast, or as a protective costume or disguise because they help tell us who and what we are. And this isn't always a bad thing. There are also some positions I am likely never to stray from: for example the importance of reducing our carbon footprint in order to de-accelerate climate change. Now I could be having a chat with a conservative, small c or big c, who thinks that creating jobs through industry and the free market matters above all else. How can I listen to someone like this, especially when they are spouting what I think to be absolute horse shit while still hearing them out respectfully and attentively? Well, I could try to focus on what we agree on, namely that people need jobs, and they need sustainable employment that will not only put food on the table and pay the bills and the rent or mortgage but will also help bring meaning into their lives and a sense that they are not merely wage-slaves but positively contributing through their work to the wellbeing of others and to the environment. My opponent may or may not agree or maybe in part. I might be given a counter-argument that I am not able to refute, or necessarily understand. I think in this circumstance, de-escalating through respectful silence and an offer to revisit the subject at a later date could be appropriate.
It is always easier to theorize these things from in front of the computer. But these real life discussions can become emotional and heated and can even result in prolonged unpleasantness or worse. So then it is a matter of learning how to listen respectfully but in a way that neither gives ground to nonsense nor creates discord and conflict. Impossible? At times, yes. And then it becomes incumbent to know when to answer no further, change the subject, or politely walk away. One day I hope to get it right.
No comments:
Post a Comment