I am emotionally exhausted this evening. Interesting how much someone else's crisis can wear one out. My client fainted in a café and needed to be hospitalized. Other customers and staff were amazing. I was kind of quietly conducting everything and holding things together. No wonder I'm tired. I went straight from the hospital to my next professional assignment without taking time to debrief, other than walking nearly two miles to Venture, the small psychiatric hospital where I work two days a week. Two of my bosses were on hand to debrief with on the phone, then straight back to work caring for others. Two hours later I was finished and ready to go on to my Friday Spanish conversation club. After a two and a half mile walk I got on the bus for the remainder of the trip. As soon as I got on the bus and sat down I realized that I was in no shape to be around other people. Inside I felt vulnerable, shaky. I went straight home from where I emailed my regrets to the program coordinators, in Spanish of course. I still feel not quite my best and will continue to take it easy. Tomorrow is my day off and my rest day so the timing couldn't be better.
What interests me is this process of emotional exhaustion, how it is caused, what it is made of, and how best to treat it. I did feel better prepared for this crisis than last time which occurred a month ago with a different client had a seizure while we were out together and also needed to be hospitalized. This hit me particularly hard, I think because I had not been through this kind of crisis in several years and had somehow lost my edge for dealing with such unexpected emergencies.
I have just spent most of the last hour working on a painting and I already feel much better. Lightened somewhat. I am also deciding to enjoy the moment, which really does way more to help get me through the night that being morose. Yes, getting my edge back in times of crisis. Well, I was hoping in a way that these kinds of crises would happen oftener so that I can get better used to them. Yes, I know, be careful what you ask for. Well, I asked. And really I am altogether handling the aftermath of this crisis much better. There are no physical manifestations. Last month, when my other client ended up being hospitalized on my watch I later had some very painful physical manifestations of the emotional stress I was under and actually felt emotionally and mentally disoriented for a while afterward. Today none of this is happening and I feel that I was able to immediately handle my emotional reactions without having to suppress them. But as I said, this being in the seat of responsibility and having to manage and monitor everything during an emergency is exhausting. It calls for all one's energy and mental faculties and the huge amount of hormone that gets released in the body because of this as well as the inevitable tiredness from having to focus so carefully and so minutely on every single detail: the clients' wellbeing, the conduct of bystanders, the wellbeing and actions of helpful bystanders, the staff and management of the establishment where the emergency is taking place, the operator of 911, coworkers and supervisors I am on the phone with at work, the paramedics and the hospital emergency staff as well as carefully monitoring my own emotions, alertness and professionalism... that is a very tall but necessary order. I ought to be exhausted. I should be plastered spread-eagled on top of my bed or floor staring at the ceiling and whimpering inarticulately. But no, I am writing in my blog, listening to the Current on CBC Radio One, intermittently painting or reading, from time to time checking my email or the comments section of a particularly obnoxious article on CBC Online referring to the Federal Immigration Minister's open invitation to Chinese millionaires to come on down and buy up Canada... everything is as normal and gradually I am feeling better and stronger.
But I also needed to turn down a social obligation, the Spanish Conversation Group, knowing that now that I was home, safe, no longer needed and the adrenalin was settling down, that I am actually feeling fragile and whacked and in absolutely no condition to be receiving callers. That is what is so important about properly handling ourselves in time of crisis. In order to get everything done with the least amount of harm you have to put your own feelings and emotional reactions on the back burner, take care of everything and everyone around you, get on with your other obligations and duties. The show must go on and this can actually be a valuable way of coping with stress. Check your breathing and get exercise, walk a lot if possible. Think positive thoughts. Then, as soon as you can, get still and quiet for a while. If you feel in no shape to carry on then stop, rest, but stay true to your usual domestic rhythm and don't worry, be happy. It is not the end of the world, just the end of the day, and at the end of the day it is not my crisis, but my client's, and knowing this can be very helpful in learning to let it go. The show must go on.
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