One thing I have to stop doing while I'm at St. Faith's is singing. Or at least to sing in such a way that no one hears me except God. It isn't that my voice is that awful, and really, I should be the last one to judge that, though I have heard it recorded and have never really liked it. But others tell me my voice is very good and they enjoy hearing me sing. I don't believe them. And even if that were the case, then what's the big deal? Perhaps this is their way of being kind, but I find it rather annoying, especially because for the most part they don't seem to want me as as friend. I sometimes just want to tell them that I do not attend church for their entertainment. I do enjoy singing, but enough's enough. If they are not interested in my friendship, (and by the way I was treated this Christmas by them, then clearly they are not interested), then I just wish they would shut up and leave me alone.
My voice is loud enough, I suppose, and it does attract attention. But it doesn't help me make friends. Gifted people are often very lonely and isolated people. Being gifted often sets us apart from others, who don't really see us as merely human and vulnerable as they are, but as something special, and therefore apart from the rest of the herd. And being gifted, or designated as gifted, often indicates that we are lacking in other ways. For example, even if I (to some people anyway) sing rather well, I completely suck at sports. In fact, I hate sports, and I especially loath our Canadian national religion, ice hockey. This alone completely undermines a lot of potential friendships, since hating hockey is considered equally unCanadian as remaining seated while the national anthem is being performed (I tend to remain seated, if you must know, and I don't even hum the words or the tune) I also am not really good at working with my hands, especially carpentry or construction work. I am not really a guy. In fact, I don't even consider myself binary, and this also places me in the weirdo camp. Neither do I deal well with computers or other technologies. I write well, I draw and paint, and I sing. And I am also apparently rather intelligent.
I am not bragging, by the way. I am merely stating the obvious, confirmed by tests in school, observations from therapists and IQ tests. This is actually, for me, a social handicap. It designates me as different, and most people don't really like a lot of novelty in their lives. Being gifted is really a social liability. A handicap, if you will. Perhaps even a disability. I sometimes wonder if this is what a certain ex-friend who turned particularly nasty on me might have meant when he said that I drive people away. They cannot relate to me, and my loneliness and need for human contact can get at times overwhelming for others, so I eventually just end up having to shut down and isolate myself in order to cope.
The other little complication is that I still carry the erroneous notion that when others see how gifted and able I am, that that will also make them want to be my friends. But I can't even attract people with kindness, because then they feel like my moral inferiors. No, people want people who are like them, whom they can relate to. Who they can drink beer with (I don't drink beer, and for the most part am an abstainer) That is why dumbass America loves President Dump. Because he is every bit as venal, loathsome and in your face obnoxious as they are, and he is also richer than Croesus.
So, here I am, gifted, bright, poor, queer, gender nonconforming and not really a good Canadian. Why would others want to know me? But I, like everyone else, need friends and social contact. So then, why not? By the same token, Gentle Reader, why would I ever want people like that for friends? Maybe because social isolation is not only painful, but also destructive to one's health and longevity. So then, do I only want friends because that will help me stay well? No, I want friends because I love people and enjoy being around them. If only the feeling were mutual.
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