Today is Boxing Day, the day after Christmas for sleeping or eating or drinking or working off your hangover while stuffing yet more ridiculously rich and fattening food into our fat little faces. Well, some people anyway. I was already quite sick of food a few days ago, though I did have French toast with real maple syrup for breakfast this morning, along with a cheese omelette. Not having a social life, I am not going to have anywhere to go today, and lots of people have little gatherings, parties and outings on this day of the year. I was for a while attending the Boxing Day party every year at a friend's but some of her friends didn't like me, there was alcohol present (I was not imbibing), so I wrote some rather nasty but true things about those people on my blog, and even though no one was publicly identified the nasty bitch still ended our friendship. And she also calls herself a Christian by the way. But there are also plenty of less Christian words I could use to describe her than "nasty bitch". That was, what, four years ago? Not a peep from her about reconciling. Some Christian she is. And some friend.
I simply told her that she had always treated me like her social inferior and I deserve better than that so I am happy to not see that horrible woman ever again, unless her attitude changes towards me. I don't expect this to happen. We are both Anglicans, by the way, and should we land in the same worship situation together (stranger things have happened), then things could get rather awkward during the exchanging of the peace, when everyone is expected to shake hands with as many others as possible, strangers especially, and wish them peace, or God's peace.
So, while everyone else seem to have people to see and enjoy and things to do today, once again I am alone. Another ex-friend accused me of driving people away from me. Which is a nasty and cruel thing to say to someone, just because you don't like them, and only want to further hurt them. Perhaps there is a grain of truth in that bit of slander, but really, don't we all have different ways of driving others away from us? I suppose my acid tongue sarcasm can scare some people away, for which reason I always try to use it carefully and judiciously. But I think it's more simple than that. Basically, if you're a marginalized or disadvantaged person as I am, then others are going to regard and treat you differently. It never fails to happen and it is one of the sadder and uglier truths about our human existence. When we are already vulnerable, we want to reach to others for support, help and protection. But this makes us "needy" and that is going to push people away. Not because I am driving people away from me, but because they are simply not willing to see their own hypocrisy and venality in the way they treat those whom they tend to other.
It is really hard to find people who won't do this to me. This is what makes friendship for someone who is already down sometimes a supreme and frightening challenge. Of course I deserve better, but when I communicate this to others, they get hostile because I am refusing to know my place, by presuming to be their equal. What really messes with their heads is that usually I am more intelligent and gifted than they are and that can really skew our relationships. A lot of people tend to have rather small mids and an even smaller imagination, so any kind of paradox is going to appear as threatening to them. And I mustn't dare tell them any of this because they will think I am merely being arrogant, and really I should just shut up and know my place and be grateful that any of their exalted selves would give me so much as the time of day.
So, this Boxing Day, I will be alone. even if I get upset and depressed, as I usually do this time of year, I will also get through it. I will continue to celebrate the few people who are willing to be my friends, even if they don't seem interested in reaching out to me today. I will take a couple of long walks, maybe go for coffee somewhere and find a quiet table to draw in my sketchbook. I will probably buy a couple of things, maybe a book. And I will quietly give thanks for the many blessings that I actually do have in my life.
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