From age twenty-four and for many years to come I came to feel perpetually challenged when it came to friendship. I became caught in the vortex of a particularly damaged and damaging individual with whom I became emotionally codependent till I broke away three years later. He was devastated and never got over the grudge. I was, as I have implied, damaged not by this individual but by the emotionally toxic dynamics between us and this coloured and poisoned many of my future relationships. I hobbled from friend to friend in a bleeding state of need. Some became immediately close and intense and we quickly burned each other out. Others seemed distant and cold. I didn't know what to do or what to look for, I only could guess that I had been somehow impaired emotionally through my interactions with this unfortunate individual.
I stumbled into an intentional Christian community that I sort of started. The four of us were all entangled with one another but I could hardly say we were friends. I could tell for a fact that they were there only to be facilitated by me. We tried to focus as much as possible on our ministry but our relationships remained highly dysfunctional. The two most troubled individuals eventually left and the one remaining and I, after a couple of difficult years, managed to arrive at a reasonably healthy friendship, given what we had already put each other through, and we actually did okay for a while. She ended the friendship after I entered psychiatric care. I accused her, I think now unjustly even though there was also some truth to this, of not respecting my boundaries and she bailed. I lost two other friends as well, as I made it clear that I was no longer going to stand for disrespectful treatment. By 2006 I was very much alone and beginning over from scratch.
The new friendships began to form and take shape. One, a fellow I met while doing language exchange at a church, to this day ten years later, is still in contact with me. We don't see each other often, perhaps every two months, and for two years or so I lost him altogether while he got married and tried to adjust to his new life. We are still what I would call very good friends and the lack of frequency is more than compensated by the quality and depth of our friendship. The year after I met another fine person. Again, we don't see each other every day, perhaps once a month, if that, but he is someone I feel most at home with and we have become very close and mutually supportive. The year after I made another friend of similar quality. We have a very good connection, we are nearly the same age and flourish as peers. These three remain my most consistent, constant and loyal friends.
Others have sort of come and gone. Since leaving the Anglican Church quite a few have abandoned me who are involved in that denomination. I am also developing some new friendships, especially from people, mostly much younger than me, from Latin America and Spain. We are helping one another with our language skills while also discovering that we like one another and actually want to hang out.
Even if my current friends are not people that I see all the time they are people that I treasure nonetheless, and I also feel valued by them. I also seem to have been through enough emotional and mental health healing to be able to comfortably live and do things independently and enjoyably while still having time for others.
I said that I treasure these individuals. I do not cling to them. I know how ephemeral and fleeting human relationships can be. Let's just say that I see each one as a divine gift and I am trying to take great care to receive each one into my life with gratitude and reverence.
In my next post, Gentle Reader, I shall try to write about some things I have learned about friendship over the years.
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