Testosterone

Remember what a byword testosterone used to be?  You really knew when it was the Nineties.  Any man said to be full of testosterone, especially by a woman, was really being called a jerk, a douchebag, an asshole.  A man with lots of testosterone immediately conjured images of a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, hair growing down his back, or a muscle-bound idiot who beat up his girlfriends for a hobby.  Testosterone was the hormone of competition and violence.  It was the elixir for destruction, war, mayhem and death.  Testosterone hurt women, children and gentler weaker men.  Testosterone wreaked havoc on the environment.  Testosterone threw droves of hapless poor people out onto the street.  Testosterone was bad.  Testosterone was the Incredible Hulk having a very bad day.

I have low testosterone.  I haven't really noticed.  I suppose that I have a little extra abdominal fat and my sleep tends at times to be a bit irregular.  I am neither depressed nor moody, and I have tons of energy (except this evening following a rather intense work day and insufficient sleep) and usually enjoy being in a good mood so I otherwise haven't noticed it much.  I am naturally asexual so that isn't an issue either.  My endocrinologist finally told me about it but didn't fill in the blanks. 

This, Gentle Reader, is what I think I understand:

Testosterone is an excuse, purely and simply.  It is a hormone, a primarily masculine hormone, but women have it too, if in smaller quantities.  It is an energizing and motivating hormone perhaps but too often it has been used to excuse, justify or condemn the full range of stereotypical masculine behaviour.  No one says a blessed thing about personal responsibility.  Or are personal responsibility and rational behaviour simply by-products of a testosterone deficiency?  I think not (which is not to say that I don't think!)

We are more than our biology, more than the sum of our parts.  We are spirit, soul and flesh and these elements are so intermingled due to the incarnational nature of human existence that we had might as well embrace them as one messy, sticky, fecund and joyous whole.  But, like it or not, darling, we are first and foremost moral beings.  Even moral by default because even refusing or neglecting to act on a sense of moral imperative speaks merely of our inexcusable laziness as human beings.

I have a testosterone deficiency, along with an overabundance of prolactin in my system.  In layman's (laywoman's?) terms that means that I could potentially lactate.  When I was in hospital with a multiple systems breakdown due to this growth on my pituitary gland six different doctors asked me if I ever lactate.  I simply shrugged it off, laughed a bit and replied that I've never been in the family way.  (If your sense of humour isn't going to kick in while you're in hospital then you are even worse than a palliative case.  Time to get wheeled to the morgue!)

The treatment is proceeding swimmingly.  I have been taking synthetic thyroid hormone on a daily basis (because this problem has led to an underactive thyroid) and twice a week a poison called Cabergoline to shrink the growth on my pituitary.  Following three sessions of blood work every three months my endocrinologist has observed that I am well on the mend.  My testosterone level is up, but still nowhere near normal.  So, I'm not about to march off to war or transform myself into a raging new order capitalist, but I still go for long walks every day (I average more than five miles a day).  My prolactin is down, but not as low as it should be.  I still haven't produced milk but really I sometimes wonder if I could, maybe just once, just to find out how it tastes.

I will give you a moment, Gentle Reader, to stop retching and to recompose yourself.

On the other hand, I sometimes wonder if the endocrinologist is just full of hooey and if really what it is, is that I`m androgynous, or if you like, gender fluid.  I dress like a working class dude and I like baking cookies.

Ta-ta Dearies!