I think my ideas of friendship have developed and changed somewhat over the years and now that I'm on the cusp of turning sixty I'd like to think that I have come across something a bit solid. Where I am now is that I think that friendship can take any number of shapes and forms, and in itself is often a shape-shifting entity, but there are certain principals that remain true. I still essentially believe that shared values and beliefs can be important to the health and wellbeing of any friendship but I'm not really sure how necessary given the other variables:
Connection. Mutuality. Respect. Affection. And Good Will
1. Connection.
Generally nothing is going to occur without something to bring us together. There could be a shared interest, or going through a similar experience, or simply being in the same place at the same time. It is impossible to define connection, which I suppose could be also called chemistry. This is not all there is to friendship and if there is very little to sustain the connection after it's been established chances are it is not going to be a lasting friendship. Somehow two people just suddenly occur to the fact of each other's existence and a mutual liking is sparked. In a crowd, in a room full of others they tend to see each other before they notice others and it's almost as though they are standing together under the same shelter.
This is never a guarantee of friendship. You might never speak to each other again, or will simply remain as acquaintances, being polite to each other in passing and each seeing to herself "Who the hell is that?"
2. Mutuality.
No friendship is ever going to be a perfect balance between absolute equals. Generally one is going to have just a little bit more invested than the other and often this balance shifts and changes back and forth, especially in the case of long and enduring friendships. There could at times be an authentic and legitimate neediness and one will be relying on the other for support, perhaps during an illness, or a bereavement, or some other loss or trauma. There is always going to be an ebb and flow of giving and receiving and I think the best friendships make room for this. I am also reminded of something I sometimes have to tell my clients at work when they want to know if we can have a friendship as well as a therapeutic professional relationship. I always tell them that if they were to have me as a friend I would be placing upon them an unfair and unjust burden. They would also have to bear my burdens and put up with my crap. This isn't to say that true friendship is not therapeutic. Of course it is. But it is always involving two people giving and receiving together.
Respect.
This is very tricky and varies depending on the people involved. There are friends who withhold nothing from each other, share everything, don't appear to have boundaries, will even go to the toilet in front of each other. There are others for whom the only good door is a closed door. That said, every friendship has its peculiar boundaries. These are generally implied and not spoken about. If these are friends who also live together then boundaries often will have to be consciously and openly discussed and agreed on. I think for me the most successful friendships that I experience involve a carefully nuanced live and let live but with certain limits. If a friend of mine were to become a mass murderer or a practicing pedophile then I would take great care to review the friendship. Likewise where there are chronic expressions of racism, homophobia, misogyny and religious intolerance.
When you respect someone you are saying that we don't have to agree on everything and that we are different and individual beings. We are affirming that our friendship is not an entitlement but a gift and a blessing. We are reminded that we do not live to fulfill each other's needs, expectations or mandates. We are saying that we do not have to be in contact all the time; that we can be out of touch with each other for years and yet come together again connected by the same love that bonded us at the beginning. We are also telling each other that friendship is not owed which also implies consent to accept change or even end the friendship if that is the wish of the other.
Affection.
We like each other. We are friends. We are friends. We like each other. This is such a variable. Some friends have their hands on each other so often that others often wonder if they are really lovers or at least have a friendship with benefits. This sometimes happens. Personally I do not recommend this because it can cause a whole maelstrom of confused boundaries and conflicted emotions. This doesn't mean that a friendship cannot evolve into a lovers' bond or a marriage union. But whatever direction it takes it is very important that both partners be in agreement about what is happening and that they are going to have the same definition of what is happening. Then there are those friendships where there is never any kind of physical contact, not even a handshake or a tap on the shoulder. Yet the love still speaks volumes, silently, through actions or simply in the blessed state of feeling completely and unconditionally accepted and loved by each other regardless our flaws and handicaps. Tone of voice, body language, gestures, quality of silence, shared language. It seems that with each friendship a new being or entity comes to life whenever the two friends happen to be together. And this being, this entity will be different and unique with each different friend. I think that knowing and accepting this can also help make jealousy of other friends unnecessary and obsolete.
Good Will.
I think this covers equally the good intentions between friends and the way these intentions are made manifest. We will want the best for each other and where possible we will also want to help facilitate each other. There will of course always be limits to what we can do. Say one becomes homeless and destitute. The other friend might not be in a position to be able to house or feed but will still do her level best to see that some kind of help comes available. Perhaps one is involved in a religion that the other has no feeling for or even strongly disapproves of. He will still support his friend. This may or may not mean attending church, mosque, temple or synagogue as an act of solidarity but it will imply listening openly to the other and doing what one can to learn about what they are becoming involved in. If there are potential dangers, perhaps she is getting into a cult, then of course a real friend would warn and advise but not interfere or meddle unless there is anyone in real physical or emotional danger. Good will implies tolerance, humour, sensitivity, acceptance, patience, forbearance and forgiveness. It also is best facilitated by open communication.
None of these by the way are rules written in stone. They are simply ideas and observations. I don't think any friendship really contains in equal measure all the same qualities. Each has its own balance, each has its own shelf life. Yes, shelf life. I think it is very rare to see a lifetime friendship given how much people can change and be separated by circumstances and differences of opinion and values and ethics.
Still, I am generally reluctant to end a friendship unless it is very clear that the other party does not want to continue, or if there has been a major breach of respect without repentance or amends. This doesn't mean that I am no longer a friend. I feel that in part it is my life calling to be to others a friend. Not in the sense of trying to be everyone's friend since that would be both ridiculous and impossible, but to be a friendly presence to others, even if it's to the man sitting next to me on the bus or the woman sharing my table at a coffee shop. It means remaining open and interested in others without being invasive and extending to strangers as well as to people I know small courtesies as the need arises. I think by cultivating this kind attitude, even if we have lost all our friends, or they are all away and unavailable for some reason or other, we need never feel lonely or abandoned since we are always affirming with others through our daily lives in public the connection we all share as humans, whether we know it or not and whether we like or not. It can also eventually lead to new friendships.
I call this living in a state of disinterested love.
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