Gratitude 83

Yesterday I read on the Quora Digest a checklist of things you do not say to a narcissist.  Here it is for your edification, Gentle Reader:

Never criticise them about anything, ever

Never publicly embarrass them

Do not point out anything they do, say, are, that might be anything other than perfect

Never compare them to someone else in an unflattering light

Do not talk to them about your negative feelings in response to anything they have said or done

Avoid getting angry or upset with them for anything

Do not outshine them in some way

Listen to anything they say

Mirror everything they say

Act as if everything they say and do is brilliant and you appreciate and admire them at all times

Recently, a narcissist ended an eleven year friendship with me, as I had committed against him some of the above sins.  I am now feeling relieved of a great burden.  By the same token I found myself cringing somewhat while going through this list, given that I also tend to react negatively to a lot of these things, making me wonder if I might also be a narcissist.  I think I'm spared, primarily because I at least have the fear that I could be a narcissist, which I think could easily count as self-awareness, which is something that narcissists generally lack.

Today on the bus, I had the opportunity to really test if I am a narcissist or not.  I got on the bus at the loop, not realizing that I should have gone to the legitimate stop instead across the street.  But the door was open, even if the driver was absent, so I thought it might be okay, so I boarded anyway and tapped my compass card, found a seat, and Bob's your uncle.  The driver came on shortly after.  I said hi to him and he warned me that I had illegitimately boarded the bus.  When I asked him where I should have gone, he told me where the bus stop is.  Even if I felt a bit embarrassed I thanked him for telling me so I would know better next time.  So, no, Gentle Reader, I am not a narcissist.

This doesn't mean that I don't carry the self-centred tendencies of the narcissist.  I think we all do to an extent.  I am deeply grateful for the work I have already done on myself to root out some of those tendencies.  I still have a long way to go.

In a way, I think that narcissism is an occupational hazard of moving your life forward.  We all have that drive of survival and generally in a time of crisis I think that a lot of us are going to put our own safety and wellbeing ahead of others.  On the other hand, we all have to coexist, and this means severely curtailing our selfish tendencies if we are going to survive together.  This is why community is so essential for curbing our narcissistic tendencies.

Really there is no cure for narcissism like being surrounded by strangers.  Everyone is cruising through their own little universe, completely unaware and indifferent to any parallel universes or other life forms (cue the smart phones and iPods!).  I think I've already mentioned that I have cultivated the habit of saying hi to two or more strangers every day.  Not everyone responds, nor are they obligated to.  It can be a bruise on the ego but what a lesson in humility.  Then, when the next person smiles warmly and says hi back, what a payoff!  Knowing that you are not only not the most important person in the lives of those around you, but that they have already given themselves that privilege is a sure reminder of how small you really are in the universe.  Of how small we all are in the universe.  Perhaps this could be just the signal to get us to pull together a bit more, celebrating together the smallness we all share in common.