My own version of the Grimm Fairy Tale, "The Fisherman and His Wife":
There once lived a fisherman with his wife in a humble little hut by the sea. Every morning the fisherman would spread his net out on the water, and then would bring the catch home to his wife who would take the fish to sell in the market that afternoon. Even though they had enough to eat, it was for them a hard and difficult life. The hut they shared was tiny, and the wife often complained bitterly about the lack of indoor plumbing, and the outdoor toilet. Plus, they could never quite get away from each other when they were both home. Even if they did care somewhat for each other, this was not exactly a love match. They had no children.
One fine June morning, the fisherman spread out his net as always, and waited by the water, and soon, something unusually large got caught, and as he dragged it to the shore, out sprang a beautiful golden dolphin. "Please, please don't harm me" said the dolphin to the fisherman. "I am actually a prince, but I was enchanted by a wicked sorceress because I would not be her lover. If you set me free, then I will grant you whatever wish you desire. In fact, as a reward for your kindness, each time you come to the seashore here, I will meet you and grant anything you desire. Only, please, set me free."
The fisherman, not overly accustomed to having conversations with talking dolphins, didn't know what to say to the Dolphin Prince, So, he merely nodded, cut him free, then went home to his wife. When he came home empty-handed she flew into a rage. "Now, what am I going to sell this afternoon? How are we going to eat! You absolute imbecile! Talking dolphin! Are you off your meds again? And meanwhile I have to live with the likes of you in this miserable little dump. We don't even have an indoor toilet. Have I told you lately how sick and tired I am going outside in midwinter just to take a pee. Easy for you, you're a man, but I have to actually sit down bare ass on that cold seat. If this fantasy dolphin of yours is real, then you get your sorry ass down there tomorrow morning and you ask him for something more decent to live in. A cottage! A lovely little country cottage. With indoor toilet. Now get moving, I have spoken!"
The following morning, the fisherman returned to the seashore, where the Dolphin Prince was waiting for him. The fisherman told him about his conversation with his wife. The Dolphin Prince replied, "Go home, you will be sleeping tonight in your cottage." When the fisherman returned home, it was as the Dolphin Prince had said. His home that he shared with his wife had been magically transformed into a little country cottage, painted blue and white with a thatched roof, and diamond leaded windows. It wasn't huge, but just right for them both and their needs. There was a garden surrounding full of roses and lilies, and fruit trees everywhere, as well as a grapevine twirling around the front porch. As he went inside he heard the sound of a toilet flushing, and then his smiling wife came out of their new bathroom.
For six months, they were content and happy. Or should I say, the wife was content and happy, and the fisherman, no longer besieged by her scolding nagging, was himself content and happy. Then, one morning, when they woke up, his wife said "I think we could do better than this. How about a two bedroom bungalow, with a fully equipped kitchen and granite counter-tops." When the fisherman arrived at the seashore, there was the Dolphin Prince, waiting for him. He told him about his wife's request. "Granted", said the Dolphin Prince, and the fisherman returned home to a two-bedroom bungalow, on a crescent street in a subdivision in a suburb.
Four months went by, and then his wife wanted a monster home. They were rising a bit on the social scale, and she really wanted to look good to her new circle of friends. The fisherman went to the seashore, and the Dolphin Prince granted his wish, and he returned home to a monster home with eight bedrooms and sixteen foot ceilings. The blessing lasted just less than two months, and then his wife wanted a sprawling mansion in Shaughnessy Heights, the most prestigious neighbourhood in the land. The Dolphin Prince granted their, or should I say, his wife's wish.
Six weeks later, his wife wanted to live in Buckingham Palace. But we can't live in Buckingham palace, he said, that is the home of the Queen. "Then you tell your goddamn Dolphin friend that he can make me queen, as well", she said. But the Queen isn't Catholic. She's Church of England. She is in fact the head of the Church of England. "Then we'll change our religion. What's the big deal? Now get your sorry ass down to that seashore."
The Dolphin Prince granted their wish, and inside of three weeks, the fisherman's wife, or should I say, the Queen of England, was already bored with all the wealth, splendour and pomp and circumstance. She decided that she wanted to be Empress. Her poor husband remonstrated with her that the British Empire was a thing of the past and that now we are a commonwealth of independent nations. "Big deal", she said. "Tell your Dolphin that I want to be Empress."
She lasted exactly six days as Empress, and she was bored to extinction. Now, she wanted to be pope, and ignored every single argument of her husband's. It didn't matter that they were no longer Catholic, they could convert back, and it didn't matter that she was a woman, they could arrange gender reassignment for her if they had to.
Two days later, the fisherman's wife, now Pope, summoned her husband to the throne and declared that she wanted to be God. "Go to your Dolphin and tell him to make me God", she thundered. The next morning, trembling with fear, dread and anxiety, the fisherman trudged slowly to the seashore, and there was a beautiful young man standing just over the water, robed in splendour and light. He knew right away it was the Dolphin Prince, having assumed his true and living form. He opened his mouth and said to the fisherman, "Go home to your miserable hut by the sea."
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