No Free Art

I sometimes think that my paintings have done more to end friendships for me than all my negative traits combined.  Whether a major betrayal or a series of minor irritations and disappointments, friendship can be very fragile at the best of times and one must never take for granted the friends that one already has.  In fact, for many years during my career as an artist, out of perhaps desperation, I have often given my paintings to friends, long term and new friends, hoping that this token would make them want to stay in touch with me.  Truthfully speaking, save only one (and this friendship did for a while tank), every one of my friends whom I have given any of my paintings as gifts have ended up dumping my sorry ass.
     I sometimes wonder what their real motives might have been for walking away from me, rejecting or excluding me and after years of agonizing and at times my head nearly exploding while trying to figure this out, three precious little words are left floating in the air: "Pearls Before Swine."
      Those whom I have given gifts of my art and friendship evidently have been worthy of neither.  In retrospect I can only imagine how horribly awkward this has been for some of them, or those with any vestige of a conscience: to discover that they didn`t like this weirdo named Aaron after all, but the art is rather nice and it looks great with the drapes and the couch but the artist is an embarrassment and has to go.  Or perhaps they saw the gift paintings as a symbol of a depth and quality of friendship they just didn't want with me.  Or perhaps they felt unworthy of the gift of art because of their lack of love for me.  Or maybe they wanted only the art and were only glad to be rid of me afterwards.
     It has been a hard and bitter lesson.  I am naturally generous.  Because of my training and background in Christian discipleship I am far more generous than a lot of other people.  Even while I was on welfare I was still giving gifts of money and food to beggars and to the food bank.  My generosity has helped keep me poor.  This is particularly embarrassing to people who really put their own lives first and above all, especially when someone of whom they are not worthy is wooing their friendship.
     This doesn't let me off the hook.  Neither am I as generous or as kind as I have just made myself out to be.  Out of my desperate loneliness I have gladly gobbled up whatever morsel of friendship anyone would cast my way because I didn't think I was worthy of anybody.  When I saw that people actually liked my art I mistook their admiration for love and once the gift was given there was nothing there to secure friendship.
     I no longer give my art away.  No one buys it any more either.  I'm okay with this.  Anyone who wants to pay for a painting may have it.  It doesn't matter whether we are already friends or not.  However, as I have finally come to believe that I am worth better than I thought before I expect a price to be paid for every one of my canvases.  Full price.  Market price.  Any real friend with the means to pay for a desired painting of mine would not baulk at this and see that our friendship is well worth it.