Life As Performance Art 184

Here are my latest contributions to Quora, which here I have embellished and amplified: A certain individual, some years ago, irrationally turned against me, and eventually took to stalking, following me and uttering threats. This went on for a few years. I was becoming quite frightened as I was in early recovery from other trauma. Then, this same individual was brutally murdered. I tried to debrief about this to a support group I was then a member of. They all seemed to think that I ought to be happy and totally relish the schadenfreude. I could not. He was a human being, someone greatly loved by others we had known in common, and what had been done to him was unspeakably cruel and evil. This individual and I both went back many many years, to our late adolescence when we met in a very popular Christian coffeehouse in the West End. We never became close friends, as I never thought we had enough in common to be friends, and I just didn't like him. I also found him rude, difficult and temperamental, and once when I was eighteen, he physically threatened me, after which I always tried to maintain a safe distance between us. It turns out he was rather mentally challenged with some other challenges that I never learned about, but had been implied by others. To his friends he was loyal like a faithful dog, more like a pitbull or rottweiler, I'd say. Because he was incapable, or seemed incapable to reason things out or recognize nuance in anything, all conflicts were black and white for him, good guys and bad guys. When two of his most cherished friends had turned against me, he not only turned against me with them, but took it on himself to try to hunt me down, and if possible destroy me, as vengeance and vindication for his dear offended friends. He never got around to threatening my life, though that also seemed to be eventually coming. Yes, I was, and still am relieved that he is gone, that he is no longer around to harass or threaten or frighten me, but I regret that something so awful should happen to him, to anyone. I of course did not attend his funeral, and the therapist I was then seeing thought it would have been most inappropriate for me to attend, and even if I was vacillating a bit, even now, I completely agree with him. None of our so-called mutual friends could fathom that I would not attend the funeral of their darling and beloved Jeff. People actually phoned me to tell me the location and time, and couldn't really fathom that I wasn't going to attend. None of us have been on speaking terms for many years. It turns out that none of those so-called friends ever really valued me, otherwise they would have recognized the threat I was under from their beloved Jeff. Three of them turned on me, because they were nurturing against me some very strong grudges (I used to stand up to them and their controlling nonsense, and two of them were consummate narcissists). I have also come to understand that none of those people liked me to begin with. They only valued my usefulness to them, and because I was so desperate to be liked and to have friends I would try to make myself useful in order to win people over. This of course, constantly backfired, and I no longer do this, and seem to enjoy now healthy and sustainable friendships. I could speak ill of him, but what would be the point? Jeff is no longer around to defend himself and I hope he is in a better place (though sometimes I don’t. I have to be honest, and have on occasion asked him if it's nice and hot for him down there.) But regardless of how deserving they might seem to be, we do not kick someone when they are already down. It drags us down to the same level or even lower and that ruins it for everyone......Here is my answer to a Quora member who wanted some insight about a friend of his who seems to believe that you haven't really lived unless you have enemies.... "With friends like that, do you really need enemies? I find that kind of thinking disturbing, and that it could reflect more on your friend’s character than on any universal truths. This isn’t to say that we have to , or are going to be friends with everyone. And if you are a person of integrity and you are not afraid of speaking your truth, there are going to be those who are going to push back. It’s inevitable and it is also unfortunate. But having enemies as an indication that you are truly alive? My take? If you love others, appreciate life and receive it with gratitude as a gift, if you walk humbly with a desire to help and serve others, and if you are true to who you are, you might not be friends with everyone, and you might even end up with one or two enemies, but to cultivate animosity with others, or to use it as a bragging point? That borders on psychopathy."