Random Musings 4

You never know what’s going on in other people’s minds or in their inner lives. We tend to treat others when we are talking to them as though they were some kind of void or empty space that exists to receive our information, and that is a very self-centred and narcissistic way of communicating with others. A conversation is always a synthesis between two persons, so, you usually aren’t going to know how you might be impacting the other person: it could be something that was said or innocently implied but taken more strongly than intended, or there could be other issues between you, and someone might be carrying a steamer trunk full of resentments and small grudges for things that have been said, done and misinterpreted over the past. It could even be your bad breath, stinky feet, or body odour or whatever scent you might be happening to wear at the time, or perhaps that individual has fallen so rapturously in love with you that your very presence makes them melt and go weak, and you are especially going to believe this if you are already a legend in your own mind. On the other hand, they might know some of your dark and dirty secrets and now they can no longer look you in the eye. They have not only seen you naked, they have seen you really really naked. You never know with other people, and in fact, we so poorly know our own selves, that even much less are we going to know others. This can especially be a problem when we are failing to communicate and we have to gently ask others if they would prefer that we rephrase what we are trying to say. Or by asking them how they feel about what was just said, or simply how they are feeling right now. Remember, you are talking to a person, not into empty space, and this person will need to be treated with respect and kindness, even if they are not going to agree with you, or if they are not going to comprehend what you are saying. And they are going to need to feel treated with respect, or you will be getting nowhere fast. People sometimes don’t seem to get it because they feel embarrassed or intimidated or judged, and this can make particularly sensitive souls want to shut down completely. Communication is a two-way street, and we never know how we are going to impact those we are talking to. Tone of voice and body language are especially important, since only ten percent of communication is verbal. A little self-evaluation and humility can go a long way here, since we never really know what is being communicated in our words, nor how we are being heard and received. It can especially be difficult if you are a kind person, and kind people are often exploited and mistreated because we are misperceived as being weak. Until we start kicking ass and oh, the cries and screams of shock, horror and disapprobation! We're not always exploited but it happens often enough. Kind and compassionate people seem often to occupy the role of scapegoat for many, which is sad, because it just shows how reluctant most people are to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviour. Kind people especially need to learn assertiveness and about setting boundaries, because honey is so very attractive to flies, and we also know what else flies land on. Things we do and say can be easily blown out of proportion. This has actually ended a few friendships, and I am trying to take more care than before. If I am on the receiving end, then to find out what was really going on with the other party and how they were feeling, because our behaviours can trigger all sorts of things in others, depending on what is going on in their lives, and the same goes with us. Right now I have a friend with whom I often have to draw boundaries, but he also smokes pot every day (he is not young, by the way, over sixty, like me) and I often feel like I am dealing with a superannuated tween (tweens tend to be maturer), There often comes the challenge to draw slack for others just as you would like them to draw slack for you. Kind of a golden rule of friendship, but there are also boundaries. How to balance.