I fear getting lost. Well, naturally. The horror stories of lone hikers, always totally inexperienced, that wander off the trails in the local mountains here and then the taxpayers must shell out yet thousands of dollars more for the recue operations that risk life and limb to save their unworthy asses. But I haven't really wandered off that far, but still off the property, but I already see the gateway in the fence that I passed on my way out. But I am also feeling somehow defiled by this venture, as though I just walked into something unclean and dangerous. I'm not sure what to say to Carl, except that I can probably expect a good scolding, because at the very beginning we were all warned to stay on the property. But I have always wanted to know what is out there, beyond. I have always needed to know. I have never enjoyed feeling confined and for anyone to tell me to not go anywhere for me is just the ticket of passage.
Yes, I know the place now, I am coming out into the landscaped area. Here are the tulip beds, and on the left, the trail to the magnolia. I think I'll skip it for now. Better to return to the house, confess all to Carl and get my scolding. Bless me, Carl, for I have sinned. And I am feeling really bad about this, hectored almost, and that yes, I must expect punishment. I have disobeyed. Maybe I'll be asked to leave. But I can't leave this place, and I really hope that Carl forgives me, and why am I getting so worked up about this, but this remorse keeps digging it's cold sharp claws into me, and I have to confess. I see George and Jeff walking quietly together by the irises. They seem very close. I wonder what they are really about. They don't seem to see me and now that I see the house in plain view, I have to get back, and there is Carl seated on the verandah staring out from a rocking chair, looking directly at me, with rather a bemused smile on his face.
"Oh, there you are", he says, "I was starting to worry."
"I pause, as though waiting to be summoned onto the scaffold. With his hand Carl gestures to the empty chair next to him. As I seat myself, I can already feel myself trembling, and I have to choke back the tears....
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