The Peacock 1462

"This has turned us into money launderers", says Carl. "That does seem likely", concerns Melissa. "So, what are we going to do." "We had absolutly no say in any of this, we did not ask to be born into wealth. This is all totally unfair." "And right now", says Francois, "I want all three of you to stop beating yourselves up." "But what are we to do", says Carl. "There is nothing for any of you to do", says Francois. "As you already said, you did not ask to be part of any of this. And from what I can tell, you have only been using your inherited wealth to further and advance God's work." "How are we going to break the curses?" says Carl. Says Jeffrey, "I think first of all you guys need more information." "Agreed", says Jason. "This Cosme knows things that we need to and so if you guys can get hold of this Brother Bartholemew sooner rather than later, then I think we will be on the path." Jason suddenly goes quiet and a little bit pale. He closes his eyes, then says, wait a minute..."

The Peacock 1461

"It appears to me", says Cynthia, "that if you believe that curses can cause real harm, and I do believe this somewhat, then we also need to target the curse from indonesia, because this was a malediction over our great grandfather, and also on all his descendents, including us four, cousins Naomi, Carl and Melissa. "It does stand to reason says Carl." "Are their reparations that could be made?" says Naomi. "that would be too late", says Carl. "Everyone involved is long dead." "But we still carry the guilt", says Cynthia. "I would understand that your family home here was built on money extorted from some of my ancestors, and that was all made on their backs. They were enslaved, beaten, in the case of my great grandmother and many other women, raped." "What are you implying?" says Melissa in her monotone. "That something has to be done with that house." "And with our assets", sats Carl wearily. "It does seem unfair, doesn't it" says Cynthia...

The Peacock 1460

"That is never going to happen", says Melissa tartly. "The demolition of our house." says Carl. "I know this comes as a shock", says Naomi. "Please, I am only the messenger. I would also find that very hard to agree to." "Is it certain", says Carl. "Those weren't Grandfather Elliot's exact words. I think he said that something needs to be done about the house, because as long as it is standing it is going to impede the process." "From which", says Cynthia, "We could still imply demolition." And now all eyes are on their cousin. "We are talking here about curses from the island of Sumatra that were invoked over one hundred years go, along with the invocations launched by Naomi's nation." She shakes her head in disbelief and exaspertion. "I only wish there was some simple process...some way we could streamline everything and not have to bother about... about destroying a perfectly intact and servicable building as your mansion, Carl and Melissa." Carl says abruptly, "the house can go for all I care." "Carl!" barks Melissa abruptly. "We are talking about our home..."

The Peacock 1459

"You're not going to suggest that an exorcism needs to be performed." "That too", says Melissa, "but that wouldn't be a priority, at least not yet." "Then, what, pray tell." Says Naomi, "As part of the Truth and Reconciliation process that has been launched between First Nations snd white settler government, there needs to be truth and reconciiation over your house, Carl and Melissa. And I speak every bit as much as your sibling as a member of the Sumas First Nation. "How would that happen, or even begin", says Carl. "Before anything else, we would have to meet with my grandfather and the other elders and see if we can come to an agreement and draft out a plan." "What kind of plan?" "For a complete repatriation of your property to us the Sumas Nation and likely for the demolition of your house."

The Peacock 1458

It seems to me that our great grandfther never got to really live in that house, except for very brief intervals", says Melissa, "What with the two world wars and the depression demanding that he remain in the Netherlands to look after the family business." "That is correct", confirms Naomi. "On several occasions the place fell into disrepair, and even when it was a hunting lodge there were nothing but problems with guests constantly wrecking the place. And after that the nudist colony followed by that bizarre cult that we recently heard about..." "And we haven't even begun to scratch the surface", says Carl. "So", says Norma, "the curses took effect, and appear to be working to this very day." "I would imagine that using the place as a facility for Christian retreats, might have, shall we say, a redemptive effect on the place", muses Carol. "But that isn't the way God works", says Naomi...

The Peacock 1457

"I don't know", says Naomi. "Grandfather Elliot doesn't appear to know him personally, but more by hearsay. My auntie has also mentioned him and she might know more about him." "Brother Bartholomew to the rescue", says George of a sudden. "Oh, that's right", say I. "are they in contact?" "He will know how to contact him. Brother Bartholomew used to live at the monastery but now is staying with his mom in Burnaby. He has also mentioned Cosme by name, that he is living with his daughter somewhere in the Lower Mainland. But he would be able to help us get in touch with him." "This guy is Spanish, right?" says Carl. "That I do not know for sure, but I have seen and heard him on occasion around the abbey and he has a definite accent that could be Spanish." "We certainly need to ask him about his journal, if he could authenticate it", says Francois. "That would be a huge step in our favour if we could talk to him", says Sarah. "Quite", agrees Carol, so indefatigably British...

The Peacock 1456

It would be better if everyone were under the same roof", says Melissa. "But not everyone still wants to live together", says Carl, "And much less in the big house. I don't want to live there. Not any more." "But Carl", she says in her Asperger's monotone, "How could you possibly prefer living here?" "I like living with Chris. I like living with Francois. And I might even forgo the house in New west and let everyone else live there instead." "Are you serious?" say I. "Provided I will not be in the way of your little brother-in-law", and yes I hear in his tone both hurt and jealousy. "Carl, you will not be at all in the way. I was hoping, as a matter of fact, that you would go on living here with me. With us, I mean." "And by the way, little sister. What's this I hear just now about possibly preferring to live here. I happen to like small places. I have never felt so normal and human scale since coming here." Naomi speakes up, "Excuse me for cutting in, but we still haven't finished the subject about the mansion." Now all eyes are on her. Her light brown skin and dark hair contrast beautifully with the pale pink of her T shirt. "According to Grandfather Elliot, there is one person we need to talk to before any concrete decision can be made as to the future of the house. There is this gentleman, now in his eighties, who has been around the area since the late sixties or so. When he was a young man, he lived with some others in the house." "His name wouldn't happen to be Cosme", say I...

The Peacock 1455

Her voice is warm, confident, and confiding. Perfect for a nurse, since she immedately invites trust and elicits genuine interest. An almost preternaturally likeable person. "As well as living on unceded territory, my grandfather and his entire family somehow escaped registration by the government. They managed to continue mostly unmolested by government or RCMP, never experienced the trauma of the native residential schools, and have been free to this day to practice their culture and spirituality and speak their language without impediment. Apparently, when our great grandfather came over from the the Dutch East indies, or Indonesia, he had to haggle brutally with Grandfather Elliot's grandfather and grand uncles before they would allow him to parcel off a couple of hectares for his own private mansion, where Melissa and Carl now live. But there were conditions. Our people would retain the right to hunt and perform ceremonies on the property. Our Dutch great grandfather was not about to cooperate, and quickly harnessed the RCMP and their legendry racism in order to keep them off the land. A series of curses were invoked and then all hell began to break loose...

The Peacock 1454

Amanda's discourse doesn't apper to merit further comment. But we all sit, silent, as though we have just witnessed soemthing monumental, like an elephant giving birth. Then Sarah turns to her and says, "Amanda, I am so glad you shared with us today. And you know, you are welcome here as family, no matter in what capcity. You will have us to back and support you, and your son too. "Thank you so much, Sarah", she says. "It really is an honouor to be here among you." Now Melissa abruptly announces, "Okay everybody, Naomi has some things she would like us to hear, so can we please give her our full and undivided." Naomi appears almost centre stage, seated demurely in one of the armchairs in faded bluejeans and loose pink T shirt. She really is small. Dimunitive. Almost doll like, but for her glasses. "I had a very interesting chat with my grandfather the other day. his name is Elliot and he is an elder with the Sumas First Nation...."

The Peacock 1453

"Is that all", says Carl. "That is all." "Are you sure." "Absolutely." "Nothing more about your time in Israel." "Better left unsaid. I could still be in danger and Mossad, even though they haven't bothered me in more than a decade, are relentless." "They tracked you here in Canada?" "I've said enough." "How about Tristan." "I would prefer to leave him out of the article. I want to protect his privacy, and he is fragile. He shouldn't be exposed this way." "It will be as you wish, Amanda." "Thank you, Carl..."

The Peacock 1452

Carl suddenly produces his laptop, places it gently on his lap and opens it. "Let's write in these details right now as a postscript on the article." He types something in, then says, "Okay Amanda. Speak." "I have just sold Aphrodite Boutique. Having undergone this series of interviews with Carl in preparation for the article has prompted me to deeply rethink what I am doing with my life. I am nearly sixty, and there are things, footprints, legacies for which I simply do not wish to be known by posterity, among other things, selling vibrators and sex aids and bondage and sado-masochist apparati. I am a Christian. Mennonite by upbringing, and I have chosen to reembrsace my spiritual heritage. During my ten years living in the Holy Land I could see up close the futility and utterly destructive, murderous stupidity of armed conflict as a solution to the many complex problems in that deeply troubled parcel of land. As a Mennonite, I have returned to my pacifist roots. And now, as a Christian with a deep desire to faithfully serve my Lord Jesus Christ, I an also reembracing my spiritual rebirth. This has brought me the most incredible joy and peace, and I would prefer less selfish and more thoughtful and socially responsible ways of bringing to expression my newfound Christian faith and joy."

The Peacock 1451

"What are you going to do next?" says Carl. "It's future all unknown right now. I still have a mortgage to pay off and that could extend into my retirement years, or I could sell the place and go live with my dad. We are already talking about it, and he is beginning to get a bit frail so he will need someone to take care of him. And of course, there is my darling son to consider..." "Have you thought of throwing in your lot with us?" says Carl. "Hm... Young millionaire Christian journalist with his eccentric little community to the rescue? I suppose I could do worse. But actually I want to keep working for a while. I am trained as a social worker, and I think with some upgrading, I might be able to find something. But I might have my age against me. Next month I turn sixty, and still don't have enough to retire on, but I am expecting a nice return on the sale of Aphrodite. It's really too soon to tell..

The Peacock 1450

None of this is in the article", says Carl. "And it isn't going to be." Carl is not able to effectively disguise his disappointment. He sighs and says in a monotone of grudging acceptance, "It will be as you wish." "And that is exactly how it's going to be", says Amanda. "However, we will edit into the conclusion that I have sold Aphrodite, and that I am responding to the larger and deeper call that God has on my life." "What triggered it", says Sarah. "When Carl and I were exchanging emails and talking on Zoom, I found myself becoming increasingly ill-at-ease about what I was doing. There is something about being known for selling negligees and dildos that I have come to find positively creepy. But there is more to it. i felt God beginning to speak to me for the first time in years, for the first time since when I met Solly more than thirty-five years ago. I think it was getting involved with this guy and his messinic Jews that really deafened me to the voice of the Divine, and quite honestly, it has been through meeting you people and doing this interview with you, Carl, that that has begun to change....

The Peacock 1449

"That would be your son Tristan?" says Sarah. "The one and only", she sighs with resignation. "How is he?" "He is staying wth me. Seems to be calming down a bit. He's found a part time job in a grocery store and comes home from work complaining bitterly about the dreadful customers and his stupid boss and assenine coworkers." "So, he hassn't really changed", says Lazarus. Instead of jumping to her darling son's defense like a mama bear, Amanda simply says", I guess it's wait and see. But at least he's working." "Does he know who his father is", says George. She pauses, a look of sadness and defeat on her face. "no", is all she says. "what became of the iud", says Carol. "the day after Solly's funeral I had it taken out. It was a celebration, a liberation, plus, I immediately distanced myself from his messianic maniacs..."

The Peacock 1448

I collaborated and performed in some theatrical productions against the zionist occupation, and the message was very clear. We wanted all Jews out of the Holy Land and for the entire country to be reverted to Palestine. This got us into loads of shit, and I was constantly being harrassed by police and brought in for interrogations. Worst, I didn't believe in half of what we were doing. I hadn't thought it carefully through back then, but I was really all for the two state solution. But I was so angry and burnt out from my bigotted controlling husband and his tiny brained messianic Jewish cohort, that I only wanted to lash out and scream. Plus, I had fallen in love with Nahib. So, after ten yesrs, and with Mossad on my tale, my daughter, now sixteen, and I flew back to Canada where I discovered I was pregnant with Nahib's child...

The Peacock 1447

"I simply told him that I had fertility problems and then he got really pissed and tried to blame me for it. I suggested envitrio fertilization, but Messianic Jewas are staunch fundamentalists, which means he would have none of that kind of fetus killing tehnology. Instead, he formed a prayer chain of various others in our community to pray against my infertility. This went on for nearly five long years, until he was blown to bits in a sniper attack and I was suddenly a freshly minted widow. Being a soldier's widow won me some benefits, plus, I was beginning to spend more time with Nahib and some of his friends. They were all part of a loose resistance network, made up of number of Israeli Jews as well as Palestinian Arabs...

The Peacock 1446

Nahib and I quickly became friends. There was something about him that drew my attention, and he found me unusually friendly. He later said yhat being Canadian made me a´approchable because unlike pur laine Israelis I didn't think of myself as better than he or any of the Palestinians. And really, being married to Solly was becoming for me more a stone around my neck than anything. I was expected to be the dutiful and obedient Christian wife according to St Paul, and he just couldn't fathom why I couldn't conceive children. Of course, I never told him about the iud I had put it before moving with him from Canada. Even when we got married, some warning instinct told me not to have any children by him....

The Peacock 1445

"Nahib was working as a gardener on the campus. He had previously been a history teacher in high school on the West Bank, but was impaired by trauma after the IDF with help from settlers bulldozed his family home and basically kicked them all off of their property. He organized against them wth other Palestinians. They were going to launch an armed assault on an encampment of militaries, but they were caught in time. Those who weren't slaughtered on the spot, about twenty of them, were held in dentention under torture. Nahib was released three years later on a prisoner swap. Through some connections he found work in Tel Aviv, but was too emotionally impaired to return to teaching, and really, in the Israeli communities, Palestinian academics are usually less than welcome. They are expected to do all the low paid menial work...

The Peacock 1444

I would have to give it some thought, Carl" "You did mention before that you lived in israel. What exactly happened there?" "I made the mistake of getting married to a Messianic Jew." "Which whould be", says Sarah. "A Jewish Christian who believes in Zionism. I met him in Chilliwack when he was visiting our church. When he found out that my mother is Jewish, making me Jewish by extension, he courted me and married me in three months. I was a single mom, and my daughter Barbara and I moved with him to Tel Aviv where he was serving in the Israeli Defence Forces. This gave me a free ticket to enroll in the university there in arts and humanities. I was majoring in psychology and sociology. And that is also where I met my first Palestinian..."

The Peacock 1443

"I have performed in Tel aviv", says Carol. "twice. I have never played before such an appreciative or receptive audience before. The Israelis are simply wonderful." "Try living there for a while", says Amanda. "Oh, I imagine it must be hard with the suicide bombings and terrorist attacks." "It is much harder to live in a place for ten yers where the aboriginal inhabitants, the Palestinian people, are deprived of their most basic rights and freedoms and treated like cockroaches." "I imagine the israelis deserve to be safe." "Everyone deserves to be safe." "But the Palesinians wsant to drive them off their own land..." "Of course they do. Or some of them. It is after all their land." "but God promised it to the Jewish people." "And then he kicked them out because they put him to death on a cross. "You don't actually believe they did it", says Carol. Carl interjects, "The Romans did it, but they were under the orders of the Jews, so it is a shared culpability. Amanda, you never told me any of this during the interviews. is there anything here you might want to add...

The Peacock 1442

"Sticks and stones may break my bones", quips George, "But whips and chains excite me." "Something like that", says Amanda, forcing a smile. For some reason no one else is smiling or laughing at the joke, but this seems like a solemn moment and George, deflated, simply withdraws into himself. Most unusual to see him this way. "Sorry", she says to him, "I don't mean to rain on your parade. I guess I have already heard all the same jokes, over and over, and frankly I can't even remember when I began to get tired of everything, it was so long ago." "But just a week ago", says Carol, "you appeared all enthusistic and gung-ho and damn the torpedoes about what you are doing." "I've always been an actress", says Amanda. "In fact, when I lived in Tel Aviv for ten years I was involved in a few theatrical productions." "It's all in the article", says Carl...

The Peacock 1441

Say I to Amanda", "what are you plans now that Carl has just finished his article about you." I have just sold the business. "You're not serious", Says Sarah. "Dead serious. It's time." "What brought you to that decision", says Sarah. "Believe it or not it was the whole process and experience of being interviewed by Carl." "How so" "I was seeing everything in a new light. Listen, I am not young, I'll be sixty next year, and I would like something to be remembered for other than feather boas and horse whips."

The Peacock 1440

Carol and Sarah have just arrived, and I have to stifle myself from yielding to temptation and telling Carol that we have saved plenty of food for her. Everyone is seated in spontaneous little groups and circles. i am sharing the couch with Amanda and Sarah. George and jeffrey are engaged in a deep conversation with Norma and Cynthia, Carl and Francisco are getting caught up with Melissa, Lazarus and Jason, and Carol has just joined them with her second full plate of food. I am amazed that that woman is not morbidly obese, now rubenesqe, as they say, and perhaps could shed around forty pounds, but seriously, where does she put all that food.

The Peacock 1439

And what a banquet Melissa has prepared for us, beginning with an avocado tomato and brie salad, then a potato, egg, tofu and leek salad dressed in yogurt and dijon, then a Danish Greek salad, because the cheese is blue cheeese in this case and not feta. Plus several loaves of her homaemade sourdough whole wheat bread, and a selection of European and domestic cheeses and fruits. No one will be leaving hungry...

The Peacock 1438

"I would imagine that he was caught off-guard", says Amanda. "Off guard or not, there is one thing that has not changed with Robert Griffin since his hour of repentance, which my sister and I were witnesses to twenty years ago in Switzerland", says Carl. "He is still a liar, and every bit the liar he was before his crocodile tears. Better that we lose him forever. He is not an honest broker. he is an absolute control freak, and it is time that this community gets its life back, and that everyone here recover their lives from that Svengali. "I think you're right", says Lazarus. We have both had our share of problems with him." Jason appears not interested or willing to say anything. His racism is also a problem", says Francois. "In spades", concurs George. And being the two people of colour present, I am not one to argue with them. "what are we going to do about lunch", say I. "Fear not", says Carl. "Melissa has brought us a banquet on wheels..."

The Peacock 1437

"Excuse me", he mumbles as he makes his way to the front door which he shuts behind him with a sound of tomblike finality. I am suddenly devastated and I sink into a chair, astonished and dumbfounded at my brazenness. All eyes are on me. "Don't worry, Chris", says Carl. "He had it coming." "What was that all about", are the words that burst out of Amanda. "Long story." Carl says, "Chris was one of the many young men and boys being victimized by Robert Griffin in the church." "I can continue", say I. One Sunday he tried again to proposition me. I was seventeen, so it was almost three decades ago. I demanded first a hundred bucks from him which he eagerly shelled out. I bailed on him, threatening if he followed me to announce to everyone in earshot since we were at coffee hour after high mass, that their priest was buying sex off me. When I got home, my dad, also an Anglican priest, persuaded me to give him back the money. Then he phoned Robert, who came over to collect his hundred bucks. And he had the nerve to lie here aout it, in front of all of you....

The Peacock 1436

I am smiling snidely at Father Griffin as the little imp takes control of me. "I remember your last visit here, Robert." "I beg your pardon, Christopher, but I have never been here before." And I can't believe that he can lie to me boldface and get away with it. The imp is in charge. "Well, you did get your hundred bucks back, since my dad did not want an extortionist for a son." "Your dad was a very fine man of God." "A fine man of God who did not want his kid servicing clergy for pay." he is bound and determined not to react or respond, and I don't care. This feels like unfinished business. "Father Griffin", say I..." "Robert please". "Father Griffin, I know that you believe yourself to be a changed man. Carl and Melissa have told me all about your repentance and regeneration in Switzerland some years ago. But you have never really come clean with me about what you were trying to pull off when I was just seventeen years old. Yes, we had what appeared to be an emotional reconciliation at the altar in the Blessed Sacrament Altar, but not one single word of regret or apology ever issued from your lips in my hearing. And if you are going to sit in here as a guest in my father's house, then you are going to have to accept your obligation for transparency....

The Peacock 1435

The toilet is being flushed and now appears Robert Griffin, presumably fresh from having a pee following his long drive from Mission. "Father Griffin", say I. "From now on, please call me Robert", he says smiling as he finds an empty chair. "I hope you won't find my presence too unwelcome here." "No, by all means, you are welcome." And, yes, because we are going to be talking about the mansion and the community, of course he is going to be part of the conversation. Well do I remember almost thirty years ago, Father Griffin's only and previous visit here in this house, to recover the money that I extorted from him in the church, at my father's behest. "Sarah and Carol are also on their way." "Jenn and Maureen wanted to also come, but we were afraid there wouldn't be enough room", says Melissa. "The others don't seem to really care that much and are happy to stay behind, though I imagine soon enough they will be moving to the house that Carl bought...

The Peacock 1434

Everyone is seated in the living room, clearly awaiting me, and to my surprise, here are Jason and Lazarus, on the sofa, flanking Amanda who is perched between them like a queen enthroned. Naomi is in the recliner chair and Melissa occupies the other, her face almost lost in what appers to be near scowl. I seem to have forgotten how grim and forboding she always looks. Carl, Francois, George, Jeffrey and Jesús have all taken chairs from the dining room table, where they have formed a kind of outer circle. "You came together", says Amanda chirpily. She is clearly very pleased with herself right now. "It was a happy accident", says Cynthia. Christopher stumbled across us in the coffee shop so we drove back together." "which coffee shop", says Carl. "The Bean Around the World on Hastings and Cambie, where we all met last time." "What were you doing there?" says George. "I went back to the condo where i had a three hour nap. Then I wanted to go out for coffee, and there they were." "They?" says Francois. Chuck and Nicole were sitting with her." "Nicole?" says Carl. "The green haired girl singing at the bakery with Sarah yesterday?" "There must be some kind of story there", says Naomi , smiling... "

The Peacock 1433

"what do you make of her otherwise?" "I am still processing the meeting. I've never met anyone like that before. Basically, she just walks in, takes control, and we are all her captive audience. Like we're being held completely in her power until she's done with us, and then..." "Then she spits you out." "Something like that. I am feeling a bit exhausted from talking with her, or listening to her since Stella basically does all the talking." I don't know how to answer any of this nor what to tell Carl. I am not sure if he really wants to know that his erstwhle protector is in town, if that is indeed Stella, and I really can't see who else it would be. I see Melissa'ss red Honda parked in front of the house, but we appear to be arriving right on time

The Peacock 1431

"what is Stella bringing to the table." "I did say it's hare-brained and I would say very unworkable. She wants all the sex workers to somehow plant on their john's clothing, socks or underwear, a mlnute tracking device that will lead Stellas's agents to them. They will in turn abduct them and take them to a secret holding place where they will be taken off to different secret locations in countries all over the world. There they will be held captive and incognito while specially trained personnel work on them, reeducate them, basically brainwash them and program new information into them, and then send them off to other undisclosed locations where they will work as slave laborers for the rest of their lives. "That does sound pretty bizarre." "And illegal and dangerous. But she hasn't told us everything, and we are holding out until she does, at least given that both Chuck and Nicole approve of letting her go forward with what she has already told us...

Costa Rica, Visit Number 11

Hi everyone I just arrived today. it was supposed to be last night, but my connecting flight to Costa Rica from Houston was cancelled just as we were boarding. I felt very frightened and confused, being alone in a country that I perceive as hostile and unsafe (I feel safe in Mexico and in Colombia and Costa Rica but not in the USA. Go figure!) So I had to stand almost half an hour in a huge line before I could talk to the airline staff about options. It turned out that United Airlines does not pay for emergency hotel lodgings for their passengers on cancelled flights though they will provide a discount. However, it was late afternoon and it turned out that the flight we were rebooked on would be leaving at 6:30 am. So I decided to suffer it out and spend the night in the terminal. I also decided to get over the self pity, because others were suffering as well, some worse than me. I camped out in a hugely overpriced airport pizza joint (aren't they all?. )I swallowed an entire Marguerita pizza and really enjoyed the two servers. I also spent a lot of time line with emails and the novel I am writing on this same blog. (look for it), and I did a lot of work on my second drawing of a resplendant quetzal, a gorgeous bird iconic to the Monteverde region of Costa Rica. Look it up. One of the servers was a very elegant and poetic and ironically hilarious black man in his forties the other a white woman maybe around sixty with the most incredibly painted sapphire blue fingernails, .an ex-beauty with a strong working class vibe..., hard-ass eyes and the smile of one who cares deeply from the heart. The male server and I shared a joke about the unusal chairs, since they are all bolted to the floor. i asked if they might be afraid that a customer might carry it off and include it with their carry on. They did turn the football game up extremely loud for quite a while, not pleasant, but also a stark reminder than when you are travelling you are a guest in someone else's home. I walked up and down the huge terminal for exercise, then as I was passing the pizza joint just in the process of clsing, I saw the black server and mentioned to him how much I enjoyed the pizza. He smiled very warmly and said, "keep passing on the blessings baby, they are beautiful." I tried to find space in the boarding lounge to read and rest, but there were a lot of chatty people nearby, my nerves were strained and there was loud dance music playing from one of the stores. Later I learned that the departure gate had been moved a bit so I went there instead, where I sat on a chair in a quite spot and went into deep meditative prayer that also turned into deep sleep. I also noted that there were quite a few stranded travellers camping out here, some familes among them. At 4:30 am I decided that I'd slept enough and went for a walk. I had a nice little chat with a Costa Rican woman and her little boy. I was back in the departures lounge with my art and they wanted to chat a bit. Then a white American man in his thirties sat next to me. He also liked my art and we engaged in quite an interesting conversation. it turns out that he lives now in Costa Rica, had a profound Christian conversion and has been adopted into a local faith community. He was also telling me how he struggles with learning Spanish. The conversation went into all kinds of places and when his questions got a bit too invasive I replied that I might say more in a future meeting. I am many things...and by the way, so are you. Please feel free to pray for him as he is going through some major experiences of recovery and change in his life. His name is Logan. The flight to Costa Rica was timely and uneventful, I slept a lot, and managed to get passengers nearby to smile a bit, and since I was in the very back row in an aisle seat right next to the washroom and watching the potty parade you could say it was like shooting fish in a barrel. i didn't have to wait in a line at customs and immigration. There were hardly any people there. one of the officers called me over to him and there was a bit of a distance, so I smiled and said in Spanish "hazme caminar ("you want me to walk") and he laughed asked me if I speak spanish so we did everything in his language. It was fun. The cab driver did't seem to believe me when i gave him the name and address and location of the hotel where i am staying. he confessed after to having had a brain fart and it also turns out that the beautiful church across the street is the same place where he and his wife got married in 1979. he is from a rural commnity and was talking about how great the fishing was and also food grown on your own land. very enjoyable fellow just one year younger than me. This is already turning out to be quite an adventure. i believe there was a divine purpose for me staying overnight in the airport. Being so vulnerable out in the open with strangers who are also being so vulnerable out in the open is tweaking my boundaries somewhat, and I believe this is going to help me to be more open, less judgmental and more compassionate towrds others. God being my help. I am back in the same hotel room as last year. The first thing i did was pour water into the plastic jug and refrigerate it knowing how much I would apprecite it when I got back from my outing. Very hot today around 27 or 28, or low eighties for you untransformed Farenheit folk. A bit of rain off and on. I did all my unpacking and cleaned up a bit. Then I went out and had a huge meal at a local Mexican restaurant. It's called Jalapeños. I had nice contact with two of the servers and they seemed to appreciate that I speak Spanish. And it also seemed to help when I told one of them that I had just used the last paper towel in their washroom. Then a retired Canadian couple from Jasper and I started chatting. The husband is getting dental work done here. Really nice people and enjoyable conversation. After they left, another Tica (Costa Rican) mom with her boy approached me to talk about my art. We did this in both languages because she speaks good English and I could tell she wanted to practice it with me. Then her younger son wanted to ask me about my art. After that I spent arond an hour and a half or so wandering around the area and doing random shopping in different places. First I wanted to sit in the cathedral which is a very beautiful quiet space usually, but they were doing some repair work and it was noisy, so I left quickly. I walked around inside the public market. It is similar size to our own Granville island Public Market, but not at all tidy and well organized which is part of the place's beauty. Before that I stopped at a sidewalk window where I bought two pieces of yuca cake a local delicacy and so delicious, tasty satisfying and good. The fellow there asked me if I wanted one piece and I replied, dos porque soy glotón (two, because I'm a glutton) he smiled. Then I bought a papaya, some avocados and the most delicious bananas I have ever tasted from a sidewalk vendor then coffee beans freshly ground from a local shop, then I went into the local supermarket where I bought bread, salsa, lizano sauce which is rather like a gentle form of Worcesteshire, mora jam (moras are like Latino blackberries), peanut butter, milk and a big chocolate bar which I dragged back to my hotel room. I had to omit a couple of items because I didn't want to be carryng too much. I also found on the sidewalk a lovely yellow, green and blue wing feather from one of the many local parakeets here. I am going to use it as a bookmark. Since I got back to my hotel room I have been resting, eating listening to CBC ideas, checking correspondence and soon I am going to read more of a Swedish thriller in Spanish translation that I brought from home. Tomrrow i would like to look for some more books in Spanish in the big fat mall here. People here seem to spend a lot more time on each other than they do on their phones. Neat eh? hasta luego a todos.

The Peacck 1430

"That sounds interesting" "It is interesting. I think her premise is sound, if poorly explored, but her modus operandi seems really hare-brained." "Continue." "Stella' take is that we get rid of all the johns, and there will be no more prostitution. Sex work will have completely dried up." "Who then is going to bell the cat." "You know your Aesop. Good man." "and even if that were to happen, what would all those suddenly unemployed sex workers do. They do need to make a living and this is understandably and for good reason called the World's oldest Profession. "That is problematic. Even though the militantly politically correct in our neighbourhood really gag on the idea, one of our goals is, after giving each woman adequate support and harm reduction, to also help channel them into legitimate longterm employment. And that is not going to be a cakewalk. So far, no one has made that transition yet. Because they simply are not ready and it is really a monumental labour persuading anyone to take a chance on hiring a former sex worker. But it's been done in other places. The problem is, some of the militantly politically correct, also happen to be on our board of directors, and they want the women to remain in sex work and have it treated like a legitimate career choice, and we simply are not prepared to let that happen. Fortunately, Chuck and Nicole are on board with me, but we are outnumbered

The Peacock 1429

"Sorry if I interrupted the process." "No problem at all. We are all going to need a night or two to sleep on it before we can come to any decision." "How did she find you?" "That is completely shrouded in mystery. She appeared at our doorstep announcing that she is Stella, a British national based in Amsterdam where she did sex work for a good number of years and that she has come here to advise us, so, in order to get rid of her as promptly as possible, I told her to come meet with us this morning at the coffee shop." "Did she tell you anything else about herself." "Nothing. As soon as she sat down with us at the table today, without so much as introducing herself or sayng, hello, what miserable weather we are having, she launched into an hour long lecture about how to support sex workers by effexctively dealing with their clients...

1428 The Peacock

As we are turning onto Cornwall Avenue I ask Cynthia, "So you don't want anyone to know where you work." "It's essential for the safety of the women. Some have pimps seeking them out, and not all the women I work with are sex workers. They are battered women fleeing from violent spouses and partners. Safety comes with invisibilty." "I can't imagine what that would be like..." "Men never seem to get it. Patriarchy. There is still male privilege and male power and that protects everyone born with a penis." She has said that very drily and matter-of-factly, as though telling me what she just bought in the grocery store. "What do you know about the woman who was meeting with you today. I think she's trans?" "I don't know what to make of her. She appeared at the shelter just yesterday and said she wanted to arrange something with us. I asked her how she found the place, because we so far have not admitted trans, not because I am against transpersons but because some of the women we help feel unsafe around them, but because they still react to them as though they are men. It's because a lot of them have deep manly voices and that can really mess with a woman's head when she's escaping from a violent male. Anyway, this Stella wants to help, but I think i am going to have to turn her down. I first want to get feedback from Nicole and Chuck...

The Peacock 1427

"I've never seen that side of her", says Cynthia. We are now driving over the Burrard Bridge. The sun is finally peeking through the clouds, and glints off the waters of English Bay, an incandescent wonder. "She had the look of a killer blowing the smoke off of the barrel of her gun." "Did you know her parents." "Briefly. Her mother was a real piece of work. When they found out tht we were helping our women access bortions they found out where we were nd started to picket us. We had to have a peace bond made against them, and we lso hd to move, twice, in order to completely get away from them..."

The Peacock 1426

I did return to the police with the extra information that I had sat in on some of their planning sessons for the knife attack on the doctor. Nothing really came of it. The doctor's lawyer agreed to an out of court settlement, which meant that mom and dad were to leave Vancouver and maintain a distance of at least one hundred kilometres from the city. That was when they disbanded the community and moved to the interior. I have not seen them since though mom still acknowledges my birthday on Facebook." "That must have been all very hard on you, Nicole", says Cynthia.. "On the contrary. Standing up to my idiot family is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Ever since, I am able to get on with my life. yYou don't know what a libertion this is..."

The Peacock 1425

They were both apprehended and held in custody by police. Both denied everything and they had to let them go for lack of concrete evidence. Then, one day, I was viaiting them for Thanksgiving dinner. Mom, while dishing out the stuffing, asked who would ever think of turning them in like that. My moment had arrived. We were surrounded by relatives, extended family, friends, and various local unfortunates we had presumed to help and support. I forced one big fat shit-eating smile and I said in a clear, loud voice, "i did it." This is no time for your little acts of mischief, Nicole, said my mother. "But I am the one. I saw Albert's face in the police drawing and knowing what a complete and total jerk you are, Albert, I thought it was time to put you in your place. And boy, was I surprised to see dad's face in the other drawing. Then I faced both, Albert and Dan, my father, and said, "listen, you can't tell me that you hadn't been planning this for years. I sat in on some of your little planning sessions and I happen to be also an expert eavesdropper. In fact, I am still tempted to return to the cops to tell them what went on in your little thug workshops together." Then shoving my plate aside, I said, "I seem to have lost my appetite." owen took my cue and followed me to the door. Just before we left, I said to my horrified extended family, "Oh, and one other thing. Four years ago, I had an abortion. And you want to know something, everyone? I am so glad I did..."

The Peacock 1424

it happened about four years later. I had already moved out with my younger brother Owen. He had come out as gay and even though my parents tried to tamp down their homophobia, since they wanted people at St Jude's to like them, they did next to nothing to hide their disappointment and disapproval from my brother. I defended him and so we found a one bedroom in East Van. That was when a well known abortion provider was attacked in an underground parkade by a man wielding a knife. He survived the assault and there was a police drawing of the alleged suspect. A dead ringer for one of the men in my parents' community. After a couple weeks careful deliberation, I went to the police to identify him. They showed me another drawing of a profile, presumably the same person. It was not the same person. It was my father. Then the shit really hit the fan....

The Peacock 1423

None of this i disclosed to my parents. Fortunately I had just turned eighteen, the day after the rape. Happy birthday to me! So, as a legal adult, they could not tell my parents, and I made that pretty damn clear to the police. The morning after pills I was not going to even mention to them. To them it is no different from getting an actual abortion. They are still radical, rabid pro-lifers. They have attended and set up demonstrations in front of clinics and hospitals that provide abortions. They have, my dad, anyway, with a couple of the idiots in their community, even violently assaulted an abortion provider. And that was when I struck...

The Peacock 1422

"I went straight to the cops. They took down the information, but for some reason didn't proceed. This guy's dad is a supreme court judge, and we have only a few little dots to connect. The following Tuesday there was a high mass and potluck at St Jude's for Holy Cross. Who should I spot trying to slip out of the church away from his parents, just returned from their cruise, but the little weasel himself. Just before he got to the door I flew at him, punched him hard in the face, givng him one gusher of a nose bleed and before anyone could intervene he was running down the steps to his car. A week later, I noticed my period was late. I waited another five days, then took a pregancy test. It was positive. I went to my doctor who prescribed me some pills. I took the pills and, no more baby..."

Rememrance Day

I do not celebrate the memory of those who went overseas to kill others. There is no excuse for war. Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

The Peacock 1421

"Would uou like to tell me what happened?" "Nicole", says Cynthia in a very maternal voice, "You don't have to, not if you don't want to." "This guy's an honest broker. It's painted all over him. I was date raped when I was seventeen. I had just started going with this guy, two years older, who was visiting the church. I also knew him from the music academy. He was studying violin, did extremely well. and now is playing in a symphony orchestra in Europe. Anyway, he took me back to his place one night after we'd been out for dinner. i thought it would be safe because he was living with his parents in their fancy West Pont Grey home. Turns out his mom and dad were on a world cruise and he was alone feeding the kittens so to speak. We had not slept together yet. In fact, I was still a virgin. He served us up some of his dad's best scotch, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in his bed. naked, the next morning. He had already left the house. Nothing felt right, I was dizzy with a collossal headache....

The Peacock 1420

"Did you meet them here", I ask Chuck. "We have all been involved in this neighbourhood for some time now, so naturally our paths are going to cross, and we are also going to cross-pollinate somewhat. Right now we are organizing against vaccinations and working hard at talking sense into people's heads." "Oh, don't start that again, uncle Chuck", say Nicole with more than a taint of menace. "The vaccinations are part of an international conspiracy,..." "No more of that bullshit. i am waiting my turn to get jabbed when it comes time for people my age and you are just going to have to live with it." "This is neither the time, nor the place", says Cynthia firmly but diplomtically. "Agreed", concurrs my ex-flame. Hoping I am not pouring gas on the sofa while the rug is on fire, I ask partly out of curiosity, partly caprice, "Nicole, I seem to recall your family and their community were really totally anti-abortion." "Which is why we are no longer on speaking terms...

The Peacock 1419

"Wait a minute. You are Lorena and Dan's kid." "Along with my seven brothers and sisters. Wait a minute, I think I saw you at St Jude's a few times." And now it's all coming back to me. I never got to know anyone in that ecccentric community, but now I can say that Nicole looks vaguely familiar. It's been a long time. "Are they still there, your parents." "They bailed from here and moved to the interior with my three ypungest siblings. Now they're organizing with a network of anti-vaxxers and eventually they are planning to march on Ottawa. We haven't spoken in a couple of years. I found them so embarrassing that I cut off all contact with them." "I have some contact with Nicole's family", says Chuck." "You're my conduit of information about them. Dear Uncle Chuckie."

The Peacock 1418

"And what's your connection here" I ask Nicole. "We're part of a larger network of care and support providers in the DTES. I actually grew up in the area." "Really." "My parents were operating a radical Christian community on the edge of Oppenheimer parK. I was a kid in grade school, along with my many siblings." "How many siblings?" "Seven. My parents didn't believe in or practice birth control. And they strongly disapproved of and fought against free choice for abortion. Now that most of us are hitting our twenties we have collectively rebelled against their sanctimonious stupidity

The Peacock 1417

"How do you all connect anyway?" says Chuck. "Carl", says Cynthia. "We are cousins, a couple of times removed. We have the same great grandfather, who was a Dutch mining executive in indonesia at the turn of the century." "And where do you come in, Christopher", says Nicole. "I was recently on a retreat at his mansion in the Fraser Valley. It's in the mountains." "A mansion in the mountains, you say. This guy must be loaded." "He is loaded. he inherited millions from his father." "but between you there..." "You are one nosy little parker", I sputter. "Sorry. I just can't seem to help it", and now she is giggling like a naughty little schoolgirl with tattoos and bright green hair...

The Peacock 1416

To Cynthia I say, "So you're coming to my place for lunch today." "I hope this isn't an impostion" she says. I'm not going to lie so I choose to ignore her plea for clemency. "You can come with me in my car." "Thank you. Thats very kind." "Practical anyway. What is it we are all gathering together for." "We can talk about it on the way over." "And so the plot thickens", says Nicole.

The Peacock 1415

"Carl and I are distant cousins." "Carl." "He was with us in your bakery yesterday. Short blonde hair." "Oh, yeah. He's kind of cute." "Uh-huh." "You don't mean to say..." "We're friends." This Nicole is incredibly nosy. "Oh." "No benefits." "i wasn't asking..." "Just in case..."

The Peacock 1414

"So, you two have already met", says Chuck. "Christopher, is that your name?, brought some friends into the bakery yesterday, and all of them but him got totally...baked", says Nicole with a dry little cackle. "I understand the cookies are great." "I wouldn't know", say I. "Well, later you will", says Nicole. "And you guys, where do you know each other from." "Long story", says Chuck, rescuing me. "We go back quite a number of years, then, just the other day, we saw each other on Pender Street, near the International Village Mall, and now it looks like Christopher and his friend Francois might be working with us." "Small world", says Cynthia. "And how do you two know each other", says Nicole. "i understand you're going to his place for lunch tody?"

The Peacock 1413

Even I heard of her, and I only listen to classical music. "But Priscilla had an operatic range. She was like Patti Smith with the voice of Nina Hagen, sometimes Kiri Te Kanewa." "You also like classical." "I took three years of voice at the Vancouver Conservatory of music." "Had I not heard you sing like you did with Sarah yesterday I would have hardly believed it." "You mean because of my green hair and tattoos. No, don't deny it, but that's part of the fun. Never dressing the part, then playing it to the hilt...

The Peacock 1412

"What brings you here?" say I to Nicole. "this is my other gig. I manage a a safe injection site in a homeless shelter in the area and I also network with others who help take care of the local people. My partner and I just opened Baked a couple of weeks ago. He's usually there, but I come in a ocuple of times a week. It's lots of fun." "Plus, you get to sing." "That friend of yours, she has an incredible voice. She could sing classical." "Her wife was a locally famous punk artist." "who would that be." "I think they were called Priscilla and Her Little Mouthbreathers." "Priscilla? She is punk royalty"

The Peacock 1423

"There is space for you at our table", says Chuck. I really don't feel like it, but only out of the most strict politeness am I going to accept the invitation. Thanks to Dad, I have a strong and noble sense of etiquette. "What a conincidence", says Cynthia, as I position myself in the chair opposite to her. "You can say that again", says Nicole, stifling laighter. "You know each other", says Chuck. "They came into Baked yesterday." "And..did they get baked?" "His friends did. Cookies. But this gentleman was the epitome of self-restraint and respectability." "And the designated driver", say I. "That too..."

The Peacock 1410

But now she herself is getting up to leave. I find it hard to believe that she has actually aged one single day in the twenty years that have passed since Carl knew her in Amsterdam. She is tall, incredibly tall, slender but with the broad shoulders of a man, accentuaed by the black leather bomber jacket that barely covers her tight black T shirt. She is wearing super tight jeans and high heeled black leather boots that strike the floor like a Clydesdale's hooves on cobblestones as she walks towards the door, her long poker straight blonde hair swaying with ensouciance as she selects an umbrella from the bucket by the door and leaves the café.

The Peacock 1409

"Have you and Francois thought any more of working with us." "We only need to know when we should start." "Are you okay with waiting another couple of weeks? We are going to be in a lot of meetings with Stella." "Stella?" "Our visitor from Amsterdam. She is at our table right now. "that's her over there?", and rather weakly I am gesturing vaguely in her direction. "That's right. She used to do sex work in Amsterdam, yers ago, and she has some rather refreshing perspectives on integrating harm reduction and support with rehab, education and rescue. We are very excited about her being on board with us." Chuck must have caught the panicked, frightened look that must surely be all over my face right now. "Chris, are you alright?" "Oh yes. I'm fine." "Cynthia", calls Chuck. "A stroke of luck. Christoher is here right now and he can drive you back to his place for lunch today." "Hello Christopher", she calls back. "Do come and join us if you'd like. " Stella doesn't appear to notice or care to notice that I am here. Which is really a relief...

The Peacock 1408

I must right now have the face of a frightened rabbit as I look stupidly at my old friend. "What brings you here today?" I have not yet had time to reach for my phone. "I was in the neighbourhood", say I. "I hope I'm not interupting your meeting." "We're finished now. Cynthia and Nicole and I are just orientating a visitor from the Netherlands who is going to provide us some professional mentoring." "Cynthia is coming out to my place for lunch today. At two." I don't know why I'm telling him this, as though I owe explanations. "She might want to take the bus with you, then." "It's all right. I have my car with me..."

The Peacock 1407

They nmust be talking about something important, they all seem so deeply focused on their conversation. The glamorouw woman has a deep, booming voice. I think she's trans. But they haven't seen me and I don't want to interrupt their meeting. Respect, you know. And timidity. And...i really want to be alone right now and I especially don't feel ready yet to face Chuck, and just as I have made myself comfortable in one of the two comfy chairs by the end window I hear a familar voice saying, hello Christopher and the accent is unmistkbly Australian, and here is Chuck, now seated in the chair opposite

The Peacock 1406

I am out of coffee here, so it's going to be plan B. I can sit over a cappuccino and read more of Karen's gripping memoir. It isn't far. I just have to walk to Pender, then walk through Victory Park. It is still raining and I left my umbrella at home. Doesn't matter. The cool wet in my hair and on my head and steaming down my forehead is waking me up. Facing me from the other side of the park, the Beaux Artes Monstrosity of the Dominion Building, all yellow ochre and brick red with all the gaudy ornamentation of a heritage building in Mexico City. Really one of the most beautiful, if not the most beautiful building in Vancouver. On the other side of Cambie, the coffee shop, not too busy, just four peopple sharing a table by the window.Three of them i know, Chuck, Cynthia, and Nicole from Baked yesterday, plus a rather imposing woman exuding glamour and menace...

The Peacock 1405

How long have I been sleeping? It's noon. I still have two hours. I think I am going to move in here alone for a while. I didn't realise how tired I was. Three hours I've been here. Sleeping. I need to get away from Carl. I don't know what his mad plans are with me, but they are his plans, not mine. I suppose I could be in the house part time,because I also enjoy his company. And Francois. Not sure yet about the others. But too much, way too much drama. I want coffee. For now the question is, do I make coffee here or should I go to the coffee shop...

The Peacock 1404

The windows are festooned with shining rivulets as the rain falls upon the city. The street thirty-one floors below hardly seems to exist. Nothing else seems to exist outside of this secure, quiet private little space, one of thousands upon thousands of private little spaces one on top of the other, as far as the eye can see. Greta wasn't here very often. After our sex life proved to be a complete fiasco, there seemed little reason for her to spend a lot of time here with me. And so Erik and I could become close. Rather too close, maybe, but if there is anything I owe to my ex-wife then it would be the friendship of my brother-in-law. At least I understand now, I think, why she never appeared to be jealous or threatened. There was nothing between us for Greta to protect. But she seemed to have hidden motives for pairing off with me, which to this day remain obscure to me...

The Peacock 1403

Of course i know where I am going. At first I thought of New West to look again at the house that Carl just bought, but no, I really want to spend time in the apartment where I lived with Greta. i don't want it to stay empty too long. I might even use it as a refuge. I can't be with Carl and the others twenty-four seven It just isn't healthy. I need space. And time to figure out my future. What I am going to do. Unless my future is going to be so entwined with that of Carl and of Francois and who knows who else...

The Peacock 1402

"Are you sure." "It couldn't be anyone else. She paid us a courtesy call just three weeks ago. I was out having coffee with a couple of friends, but I felt a strange and powerful compulsion to go home. They were seated in the living room, the three of them and they had been quarrelling very loudly. When I came in I could hear Stella's voice shouting at Sven, "I know what you are, they know what you are, you know what your are. And it simply is not going to happen. And if you try anything this time, Sven, you know the consequences. I was standing by the door when she strode past me on her way out She stopped, and held me in her gaze for a few seconds, then said to me, Get out of here while you can. look for Carl in Canada. he will be with your brother-in-law. They will help you. Get out of here as soon as possible, and don't tell them you' re going. Do this for your own safety. Then she left. "Carl also knows this Lindstrom. He told me yesterday that he and Stella are of the same kind, but that Stella is stronger, and unlike Sven, has not given herself to evil." "that all makes sense", says Erik. "would you like to Skype with me tonight?" "That would be great." "I need to get driving for a while. Phone me if you want to talk some more, but give me an hour or so so I can be off the road and out of the car." "I'm feeling pretty tired right now, so I am going to go back to sleep. They just brought me my breakfast." "Talk later." "Bye.

The Peacock 1401

"Carl is a poor rich boy. He was born into inherited wealth in the Netherlands. When he was twelve his parents divorced. With his younger sister Melissa, he would spend summers at the mansion here in BC. His great grandfather built it near the First World War. When he was fifteen or sixteen he became a drug addicted gay prostitute in Amsterdam and was rescued three years later by a British transwoman sex worker. He got off drugs and returned to his mother who sent him and his thirteen year old sister back to the mansion where they stayed with their father who that same summer was killed under dubious circumstances. Carl and his sister feared for their lives and excaped. Back in Europe they lived with their mother in a Christian cummunity that she was leading in Switzerland. He studied jounralism and now publishes an online magazine. They returned here to Canada and took over the operations of the mansion and with help and oversight from a priest, turned it into a Christian retreat centre. And that is where we met two weeks ago." The British transwoman, did he happen to tell you her name?" "Stella." "I know her", says Erik.

The Peacock 1400

"I'm not going to try to convert you, if that's what you're worried about." "I'm more worried that I might convert myself. But maybe it's time. You know, it is hard to have religious faith in Sweden where everyone is atheist. But I will tell you this much. If I feel endangered around my sister and Lindstrom, I feel with you very safe. Very very safe." "Thank you." "Now, could you please tell me more about Carl. his background, what he is about?

The Peacock 1399

"How long have you known these guys?" "Would you believe, two weeks?" "What! No way man." "And we have been spending every single day together." And now I am feeling very weak and fatigued. "that is a lot. Too soon." "I agree. it is a lot too soon." "what about the other guy. The priest." "Francois? You know, he's still in his twenties. And he is the only adult in the room." "He is a priest. Is he gay?" "As straight as they come. And he is amazingly sane. I think we both depend on him to help keep us grounded." "You are sounding tired right now." And Erik is right. After two intense weeks like these ones, who wouldn't be? "Why exactly are you guys together?" "Act of God." "I don't believe in God." "And that, my friend, isn't my problem." "It's not a problem." "Look, Erik. I don't just believe in God. I know God. And I know that a lot of the stuff that has been happening in my life cannot be explained in any other way. Accept it or not, I don't care." "Sometimes i want to believe. especially with everything I've been through with Greta and Svend. In fact, how could they be so diabolical if there isn't also a counteracting divinity? i'm not really an atheist. I just don't know." "Are you willing to find out?" "That, Christopher, is the million dollar question...

The Peacock 1398

"Here I am." "What are your plans today?" "A bunch of people are coming over for lunch this afteroon, so I decided to make my escape while I could." "You have quite a crowd staying with you now." "Six altogether, including me. And they don't seem to want to let me out of their sight. Carl seemed to expect me to ask permission to leave the house this morning." "Be careful. It sounds like they want to control your life." "It's a little more complicated than that, but I also accept your concern. Carl is very possessive." "Is he your lover?" "No. But in a way yes." "You don't..." "Sleep together? No." "Do you want to?" "No. In some ways he's like you. Two lovely guys, and you have both become too much like family for me." "I guess you and I are family." There is sadness in his voice. "Erik, you are more than my brother-in-law. You are my brother. Period. And I cannot wait for your quarantiune to end so that you can comne and live with me here." "What about the others." "They will be all moving to the big house that Carl just bought in New Westminster. If he and Francois both want to stay with us in my father's house, that's also okay. But I'm not going anywhere...

The Peacock1397

How good it is to be alone in my car, behind my steering wheel, all alone and going wherever the hell I want. Except, I don't really know where i want to go. Here, on Marine Drive, above the notorious Wreck Beach, my phone is ringing and of course I am going to stop the car before I answer. I am a good and responsible citizen and I know the costs of distracted driving. It's Erik. "Good morning, brother-in-law." "Good morning Erik. How are you." "I was up all night reading the first book of the CS lewis trilogy, then went to sleep around four. Now I'm wide awake. Where are you?" "Above Wreck Beach." "Are you thinking of going down there." "No, it's chilly this morning and cloudy. Looks like it could rain. Do you need anything?" "I just need to talk." "What about?" "Anything. It is like a prison here. i just need to talk to someone...

The Peacock 1396

"Where are you going", says Carl. "I need permission to leave my own house?" "No need to get defensive, Chris." "I'm going out. I'll be back at two for lunch." "Where are you going?" "I don't know. And I don't care." I already stuffed Karen's book in my backpack, note book and a couple of pens. That should be sufficient. "Chris", says Carl as I whisk past him. "I'll phone you from wherever." "Where are you going." "Wherever" and I let the door close uncertainly behind me...

The Peacock 1395

Sarah picks up on the first ring. "Hello" "Hi Sarah, it's Christopher (I am still referring to myself as Christopher. I can live with Chris, but my father always called me Christopher. No matter what they call me, I will always be Christopher.) "Good morning, Christopher. Did you sleep well last night?" (She got my name right!) "Quite well." "And how about Jesús, is he being a problem?" Oh, yes, Sarah, you re the queen of tact. "All good. He's right here. Sarah, I was wondering if you would like to come over for lunch today at two. Carol too." "That would be lovely." "You see, Amanda, you remember Amanda? She wants to come over and so does Carl's half-sister, the nurse, Naomi, and someone I'd like you to meet. Oh, and Melissa will be here too." "This sounds important." "I don't know what is up, but I believe your right." "Okay. See you at two..."

The Peacock 1394

Carl's phone is ringing. He picks it up. "Hello?...Hi Naomi. Yes, fine, how are you?.. I think that would be okay. Let me check with Chris...Chris, Naomi wants to know if Cynthia, my cousin can also join us, they were just on the phone and she has time this sfternoon" "I don't see why not. I am just curious as to why." "I'll ask...Sure, she will be very welcome. But what's the occasion... Oh...Yes...I see. Okay, we will be waiting with baited breath"...he puts down his phone. "Apparently, some new evidence has been just uncovered that might help answer a few of our questions." His phone rings again..."Yes, Mel...I think that would be a great idea. It's about time you got out of there, even if just for a few hours. We will give you a royal welcome...In fact, lets see if later you can get out to Richmond to see mom with me. Okay, we'll talk then..." "Melissa too?" "You're okay with that." "Yes, it will be great to see all of them." "Sarah should also be here." "I'll call her", say I...

The Peacock 1393

"How does one turn down having sex with Dan Savage?" says Jeffrey. "Simple. I just told him you're disgusting. Fuck off. And then Stella came downstairs and told him to leave. "Did he still write an article about her." "Yes, but it was really nasty and vindictive, the old queen, and he wrote about what a pathetic waste of DNA Stella was and about the piece of drug addicted rough trade, me, she was banging in her canal townhouse. Having tons of cash at her disposal, Stella sued him and they settled out of court. He wrote a repentance article about her and afterward never said a peep." "That is very impressive", says George. Carl says, looking at his phone, "I just got a text from Amanda. She wants to bring Naomi with her." "Naomi?" say I. "My half-sister. The nurse who poked us for covid last week." "Sure, bring her along." "Poked by nursey", says George giggling wickedly

1392

"Geraldine Bang-Bang?" says Jeffrey. "What does she write about?" "Think of a kinder and gentler Dan Savage" says Carl. "You know about Dan Savage?" says George. "I happen to know Dan Savage", says Carl. "No way." "How did you guys meet", says Jeffrey. "Or is this anything the rest of us need to know." "Long time ago, when I was a teenage boy hooker along the canals of Amsterdam. He was in town to interview my friend Stella, a transwoman ho with boobs and a dick." "Stop right there", says George. "I think you have already provided us with plenty of details." "And in case you happen to wondering, O ye of little faith, absolutely nothing happened." "You turned him down?" says Jeffrey. "In a word, yes." And now Jesús is laughing is head off.

The Peacock 1391

"What's the plan today?" say I as we tuck into the cheese and mushroom omelette that Francisco and Jesús have just prepared for us. We are all at table now. It is cloudy and chilly today, threatening rain, so no one has ventured onto the patio. Says Carl, "I have just finished the article about Amanda. she wants to come out today and have lunch with me. I asked her about coming here and she has agreed." "What time" say I. "Two. Would that be okay. Sorry Chris, I should have checked with you first." "No worries." "Chelsea is coming over to cut our hair, yes?" wonders Carl. "She confirmed with me last night. "we could see if Amanda could stay for dinner and maybe they could meet each other." "Do you think that would be a good idea?" "Why wouldn't it be a good idea?" says George. "They might only want to encourage each other. I don't think you guys know the wyole story, but Chelsea writes a sex advice column under the name Geraldine Bang-Bang, and Amanda owns a sex and lingerie shop." "They would be simply wicked together", says George. "That", say I, "Is exactly what I am afraid of...

The Peacock 1390

"So" says George, while stirring his coffee, "What about our dinner guests last night?" "Chelsea and Dorothy", I reply. "It looks like they're our neighbours." "They wouldn't happen to be a couple", wonders Jeffrey. "Dorothy is the widow of Chelsea's mother, who passed away recently." "Ah yes", says George. "Now it's coming together." "Are we going to meet the tranny Anglican priest", says Jeffrey. "you mean transgender", corrects his husband. "Oh whatever. Everyone's so touchy these days", he says getting up. "Hey, where ya goin'" says George. "I am going to take off my nighty and make myself presentable." "But not in front of everyone." "Oh you're such a spoilsport", he says, lifting George's face by the chin and grinning wickedly into his face. "And now excuse me everyone while I clean up my act", says Jeffrey, sashaying out of the kitchen...

The Peacock 1389

"How are we for eggs?" "Serious? You want me to cook you an omelette? I will if we all want." "I help you", says Jesús, getting up and going to the fridge. "Yes, we still have egggs. At least twenty." "But they´re going to go pretty fast", say I. "We should do a grocery trip today." Jeffrey appears in the doorway, in a burgundy velour bathrobe. I can see the bottoms of his blue and white striped jammies. "I trust everyone slept well", he says, pouring himself coffee and seating himself where Jesús was just sitting. "And good morning to you too, Jeffrey", says Carl smiling. "Francois and Jesús are about to cook everyone an omelette." "Don't mind if I do." George comes out fully dressed in a navy blue polo shirt and beige tight-fitting slacks. "What are you doing still in your nighty", he says to his husband. "Sitting at table with these handsome men and feeing absolutely fabulous."

The Peacock 1388

One other thing in my dream", he says, now that the three of us are at table together munchng on toast and coffee. An egg. Big egg. With cracks, and blood coming through cracks." First a good swallow of bitter black coffee, to brace myself. And now, "What colour was the egg?" "Blue. Turquoise. Very beautiful turquoise. And bleeding throught cracks. "That is so intersting", says Carl. "Any other details." "One thing", says Jesús, pausing to spread peanut butter on his toast. "My fingernails. They were long, sharp, like claws. And painted black." "I also dreamed of eggs. Same color, turquoise", say I, but I am not ready to go into detail, this is just too strange right now, plus, it is rather early in the morning for strange. François comes in, silently, like a stalking panther, pours himself coffee and pops more bread in the toaster. "Good morning" says Carl. "Morning", he echoes. "Did you sleep well?" "Like a log. You?" "Tossed and turned. Not too bad. These two were dreaming about eggs." "Does that mean I should cook us all an omelette", says Francois, smiling...

The Peacock 1387

His hair is wet from the shower and he is dressed simply in a white T shirt and blue jeans. "Good morning, Jesús ", says Carl. "Good morning, Carl", he replies, and refusing to let me off the hook for not greeting him says emphatically to me, "Good morniing Christopher. Did you sleep well." "Pretty good. And you?"" "Dreams. Lots of dreams", he says sitting down next to me, across from Carl, who gets up. "Coffee and toast for you, jesús", he says. "Yes, please." To me he says, "I dreamed mostly with birds. Lots of birds. Pigeons, big black birds, crows, i think, seagulls, and the ocean, and I kept seeing this through the night." And now I am rememering a dream. A nest with four robins' eggs, but a more vibrant turquoise, and much bigger, like goose eggs, and one of them was cracking open, with blood flowing through the cracks. I am not going to mention it. Not yet, anyway...

The Peacock 1386

"What did you and Jesús get up to last night", he says, presenting me a plate with two slices of toast, followed by jars of peanut butter and jam. "Nothing." "You were in his room." Choking back a couple swear words, I reply with the utmost civility, "I was bringing him bedding." "And nothing else." "What were you doing spying on us?" "I noticed just when I was on my way upstairs. Chris, be careful with him. He has an agenda with you. It's all over him." "Yes", I reply, smearing strawberry jam on top of the peanut butter. "I know." "But nothing else happened"" "he stripped down to his underwear and lay on the bed expecting I'd join him." "And, did you?" "No. i kissed him on the forehead then went to my father's. I mean, to my room. I am not going to disgrace his memory like that, if that's what you are concerned about." "I'm concerned about Jesús. He appears to be hiding something." "He's hiding a lot", and now Jesús appears like a magical fairy, in the kitchen with us...

The Peacock 1385

I don't want to respond. Yes, I know I'm beilng churlish., but I should and will respond. Instead of faking an even cheerier good morning in response, I am already reaching for the bread and the word "Toast", trickles out of my mouth. "Yes please", he says. To this day, I have never known anyone who could be so relentlessly cheerful first thing in the morning. "Haven't you made coffee?" "Sorry", I forgot" I reply as i leave the bread next to the toaster and reach down in the lower cupboard for the coffee. "Here, let me", he says, pulling out the coffee maker. While reaching back for the toaster the loaf of bread falls from my hand onto the floor. "Sorry." I apologize reflexively, like any good Canadian "I..." "I'm sure the bread isn't offended", says Carl, reaching down to pick it up. "Why don't you sit down and I'll do it." "I..." "Chris", he says smiling, pulling my chair out from the table. "Sit. Brother Carl will take care of everything." "But", "Obey", he is standing by the chair with one hand on the back... Knowing I'm already defeated, I let myself slide onto the chair, secretly gratified, if also resentful, that Carl one more time is taking care of me...

The Peacock 1384

Shreddies for breakfast. Everyone else is still in bed. It's just six am and the newly risen sun already floods the kitchen. No one seems to be stirring. I do feel unexpectedly hungry for some reason. I imagine Carl will want us all to do something together today. I am just hoping I can sneak out of here early enough without drawing anyone's attention. Too late. The toilet is flushing, the downstairs toilet, and somreone is already up. Maybe he'll go back to bed. Now I think I hear the shower running. Well, maybe he'll take a long time. There is still time to escape. I'm still hungry. Another bowl of cereal? Naw. Toast. With peanut butter and strawberry jam. I haven't made coffee. How could I forget. "Good morning", announces Carl's cheery voice from behind, and now I am trapped...

The Peacock 1383

Three times with Chuck was enough. I don't care if it was a quarter century ago. i don't want to, I don't need to go back there. That was all the sex I would ever need. But I know I'm an exceptional case. It isn't guilt, or shame. What I had with Chuck was amazing, beyond amazing. But I can't go back there, not with Jesús, not with Carl, not with anyone. I think he is already starting to understand. Any affection between us, from this point forward, is going to be innocent. And it couldn't happen here anyway. Not here in my father's house. Not with Carl, Francois, George and Jeffrey present. We are a community now, and we have to start behaving like a community. I can just get through Lucy Pevencie's first journey to Narnia through the wardrobe, but now sleep is already trying to grab my attention. Soon I will be turning out the light...

The Peacock 1382

"I want to thank you for all your help today. i think you saved my life." "It's tragic that he died like that." "I don't know. He was a very bad man. He tried to rape Marlena...In fact, I think she lied about her student visa being finished. She did not feel safe there and wanted to go. And she is very homesick for Mexico." How long have you two known each other?" "We knew each other on the plane coming here. She liked me. I didn't know where I would stay, and she already arranged her apartment and asked me to stay with her. Very convenient for both of us. But she also knew that I like men and said she was okay, but I don't know." "Do you miss her?" "No. not much. She liked me more I think. But I am glad to me free", he says, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. "I think I should let you get to sleep." he pulls off his long sleeved T shirt, revealing arms not exactly thin and not exactly muscular. his left arm is adorned by a green, blue and gold tattoo that spirals concentricly like an Escher drawing up to his shoulder. He pulls off his socks, then takes off his jeans, revealing tight white underpants and an impressive bulge. He tumbles onto the bed lying on top of the covers. "This bed is very big. There is room for two", he says smiling. "Goodnight", say I, moving toward the door. "You go now?". I pause by the door, uncertain, but now I am opening it halfway. I am just about to leave, but turning back, I approach him quietly and kiss him on the forehead while he reaches up to hold me by my forearms. As I return to the door i look back and say, "goodnight Jesús." He smiles sweetly, like a child being put to bed and says, "good night friend." And as I flick the light switch, "Thank you..."

The Peacock 1381

"I'm going to bed " say I. "I go too" says Jesús, who preceeds me and now I hear the bathroom door closing. Just as well. I am in no hurry to get to sleep. First, I will rob from my father's library CS Lewis' Chronicals of Narnia. And here they are, all seven in vintage hardcover. And now it occurs to me that Jesús doesn't have any proper bedding. Yes, here in the hall closet. Sheets, blankets, pillows and pillowcases, all bundled in my arms. He is done in the bathtroom. "Jesús, here is something for your bed." He is just opening the door to the office, where he will be sleeping on the sofabed. We are well equipped here for overnight guests, and we have had many over the years. "Thank you very much", he says. "Here, let me make up your bed for you. There is a special trick to pulling out the bed." The sofa is bright red and covered by a white cotton bedspread jesús pulls it off and holds onto it while I gently pull out the bed. "I hope you find this comfortable", say I , laying on the bottom sheet. "It looks very nice. Thank you. I can help?" "It's okay, there's a chair in the corner if you want to sit down." He obeys, and soon the bed is made. "You have many books here." "My dad was quite a scholar. Do you read English okay?" "Better than I speak it." "Then you will find something interesting to read in bed." "You are going?" "Yes, i'm getting tired",, I lie. "five minutes to talk a bit?" He is yawning. "Okay, just five minutes", I am sighing, positioning myself on the edge of the desk, where I can sit alert, facing him in the corner...

The Pecock 1381

Jeffrey remains with his arms around the shoulders of his husband, leaning from behind the chair and head bent over his right shoulder as though he is trying to locate a missing coin. "What are you going to do?" says Jesús. And it is clear that they are both struggling to hold it together. "It's going to be one day at a time", sighs George weakly. "One step at a time." "And there is also you Francois", says Jeffrey. "it's only now sinking in how lucky we are to have you here with us. That we needn't go through this alone." "Nor I", he says. "You have also had to leave", says Jesús to Francois. "I broke the seal of confession", he says. "The murderous bastard who slaughtered my father in Rwanda had the nerve to come to me for confession. I refused. And it was something so dark and ugly that I couldn't hold it in", he says, containing himself, but it is clear he is trying not to sputter out the rage that still smoulders. "Those fucking miserable vultures in the Vatican, and the stupid fucking archaic rules they impose on us, the same rules that they break every single fucking day of their blessed hypocrisy." "Thank you, Chris", says Jeffrey", for inviting us to be with you here, in your father's house. "Yes, thank you Chris." says George. "Thank you Chris", echoes Francois." And now it is clear and official. I am baptized "Chris"...

The Peacock 1379

"You both have husbands", says Jesús. I didn't know. Are they here." "Yes, Jesús", says George, now laughing very wickedly. "Both our husbands are here." "Are they here in this house", i haven't seen them since I came here." "You are looking at both of them." "Not Carl, not Francois." "Us" says jeffrey, getting up from his chair and putting both arms from behind around his husband. "George and I got married six months ago. We can no longer be priests. We can no longer be Catholics. We are excommunicated. Thrown out. Barred for life." "That is so horrible", he says." "That we're married", says George. "that they would excommunicate you for loving each other. That is so horrible." And now, both George and Jeffrey are looking very grave and solemn, as though for the first time their mask of joyous mischief has slipped, and now the real face of real pain is emerging...

The Peacock 1378

"Who's gonna tell him", says George with a most wicked grin. "I'll begin", says Francois. "You see Jesús, until very recently, the three of us, George, Jeffrey and I, were all Roman Catholic priests. And now we are all excommunicated." "Excommunicated from Mother Church", he says, gasping. "What crimes did you commit." "Before we answer that question", says Jeffrey, "Please tell us, are you still a faithful communicant with the church." "I don't understand the question. My English." Says Carl, "We mean, Jesús, do you still attend mass?" "Yes, sometimes." "when did you last go to confession." "Maybe two years ago." "but you would still call yourself a faithful Catholic", says Francois. "Oh, yes." "George and Jeffrey both had to leave the church because they are both married. A priest who gets married is automatically excommunicated." "I didn't know you both had wives." "Husbands", says George, now with a very wide and mischievous grin on his face. Jeffrey and I both have husbands..."

The Peacock 1377

"What is she like?" says Jesús. "She looks like a librarian. But if I didn't know she was trans, I would have had trouble guessing", say I. "But I also know that there is something about the ageing process that gradually erases gender in people " "She looks pretty authentic", says Francois. Says Carl, "i would like to know how she juxtaposes transitioning to female with her sense of having no gender. is there more about that in her book." I guess I can read a bit more. But then it's sleepy time. "Philip did want to know why then, I would transition, knowing that like him, I really had no sense of gender. And that has been a difficult question to answer. i eventually told him first in a couple of letters, but later in person when we started having coffee together in Toronto when he moved there to pursue his dance career, that this has been for me one hell of a learning curve. As for my many care and service providers. I came to realize that all of us had been confusing my sense of androgyny with really wanting to be femañe. Except for one salient little detail. I identified totally with being a woman. Even though I don't have a uterus, neither have I ever menstruated, I have at some level always felt that I should and that somehow I ought to. And yet, to this very day, if I close my eyes and try to imagine my body, there is nothing that will mark me as having gender. I simply am. " "You say she is a priest" says Jesús. "Anglican priest", says Carl. "She would never be permitted in the Catholic faith." "Lucky her", says Jeffrey.

The Peacock 1376

"I guess we'll leave it there", say I. It's near ten, and I am tired. And so appear the others. "No gender", says Jesús, and I can almost hear the gears turning in his head. "Something different, eh Jesús", quips George. "Do I understand correctly", says Jesús. "He has changed from man to woman, and talks to a boy and they both have no gender. So why did he change to woman? it don't make no sense." "Do they talk about this much in Colombia?" says Carl. "Yes, but not much. There is a movement for gays and trans, but many people still very conservative. I know two men named Ricardo, both Ricardo, who moved to the United States to get married. Now they live in Florida. But gay marriage is legal now in my country." "where did you come across this book?" says jeffery. "The author left it here. She was checking in on the Ugandan father and son who were staying here courtesy of the church and left them this book to read. They didn't and just left it here." "She's been over to visit snce", say I. "She came for breakfast with another clergy..."

The Peacock 1375

I didn't know what to say. He fixed me in his gentle green-eyed glare. "I can tell", he said. "I know you are not allowed to talk about it here. But with me you are safe. I am your friend." We began to visit regularly. I would come in just when he was booking off, and we would sit and chat for half a hour. He said that even if he had a boy's body and a boy's name, it wan't adequate for him, yet he is not trans either. He has absolutely no sense of gender or gender identity. This became our secret. We would talk about so many things but we also had and still have this profound soul bond. And I think it's because that even though I have transitioned to being a woman, really, like Philip, I have no gender....

The Peacock 1374

Philip would be hard to define or understand in ordinary terms. He was eighteen years old and working in the coffee shop where he served tables. I had seen him there before but for some reason he chose to sit with me for a few minutes. Staff did have a lot of freedom in this establishment, as in other places of work, since this small town had a very strong sense of community. I could best describe Philip as multi-racial His mother was Metis and his father of japanese, Norwegian and African parentage. He had light coppery skin, wavy dark brown hair and the most wonderful green eyes. He was orphaned at sixteen, both his parents perishing in a bus crash, and having no other family, had been taken in by friends who treated him like a son. He was on the small side, slim and graceful like a professional dancer, and it turned out that he was studying dance. He got straight to the point. "you used to be a man." he said

The Peacock 1373

Two weeks following our first and only meeting, they found Hermione's body near the river, naked with the genitals cut out and placed in her mouth. It turned out she had a life partner, a wealthy businessmn from Toronto who lived with her part time in the town during the summers. He also disappeared, mysteriously, and was never found, nor do we know if he is dead or alive. At least I had solved the riddle about Hermione's key to success. It seems that it would take a devoted sugar daddy to move even bigger mountains than the faith of a grain of mustard seed. The rector henceforth ordered me to have nothing further to do with the indigenous community. Hermione was the only First Nations person who ever attended church, alone, her wealthy partner being consipicuously absent. The local Anglican diosese had had little success in winning over the other indigenous townspeople, though a good number of them did attend the Pentecostal church just up the street. Nothing else noteworthy occurred. I simply assisted with the eucharist, and paid pastoral visits, sometimes accompanied by the rector, but then in my final month I was allowed to go out alone. That was when I met Philip, with whom I am still to this day in contact...

The Peacock 1372

Just two weeks later, Hermione laid claim to my friendship. Hermione is indigeous and two spirited. She said she felt an immediate connection with me and wanted to have coffee with me. It turned out that Hermione was already preparing to transition fully to female. Knowing tha I was under strict orders not to reveal any personal details of my life, one can imagine the struggle that was confronting me. Hermione was tall, elegant...and educated. She said she had a degree in fine arts and art history and was all set to pursue a career with a major art gallery in Switzerland. Where she was also going to undergo transitioning surgery. I simply tried to encourage her to take the path that God was already opening up for her. Of course, I did wonder how an indigeounous, two spiritd transperson in such a small remote community could have overcome so many barriers and hurdles in order to open up for her what would be a rich and gratifying life, and I did feel too shy and awkward about probing further than I had to. We met only once, and then, just days after, she completely disappeared from our lives, from the parish and from the town. The rector shortly after took me aside. He wanted to know the details of our conversation. The rector still does not know that I am trans...

The Peacock 1371

Everyone is seated together here again. Mostly people are looking at their phones, basically pretending that there is no one else here, and likely coping with all the stress and drama today, including Dorothy's meltdown. I alone am reading a book. It is just nine thirty-five. Should I or shouldn't i? Of course, now that it is becoming more clear that I get to carry the burden of leadership, it is going to be up to me to initiate and make suggestions. This has never been my forte. "Why don't you read to us, Chris?" says Carl suddenly. "Jesús, are you familiar with this? It's the autobiography of a transwoman Anglican priest we have been reading together." "It sounds like it could be interesting." "Practicum: i was first placed in a small town parish in northern Ontario, where there is a high indigenous population. The idea was that I must not come out as trans, given how conservative the people there were about such matters. So, for the first time, I could live, not as Karen, formerly Kevin Wilson, transitioning female, but simply as Karen, this nice woman ordinand, soon to become a nice woman priest...

The Peacock 1370

 It isn't that late, and our guests have all gone home.  Sarah with Carol to her townhouse, and Dorothy with Chelsea to her stepdaughter's grandmother's house next door.  Carl and Jesús have volunteered along with George to do the cleaning up, leaving Jeffrey and I in our armchairs.  He is scrolling on his phone, something he hasn't stopped doing since shortly before everyone left  I am thumbing through some more pages of Karen Wilson's autobiography.  I am wondering about reading together, but somehow I don't think anyone has the attention span, not after what we have all been through today.  Let's see, Carl's mama is still very sick in hospital and her friend has just died.  We narrowly rescued Jesús from getting extorted by his Ukrainian slumlord as well as getting his brains smashed out by his baseball bat.  Said landlord gave us the chase then killed himself in the pursuit, and we escaped the scene of the crime and ended up in a pot bakery and café on the Drive were everyone except me got totally baked on cannabis cookies. then back at home for a meltdown from Dorothy and a prematurely smashed piñata, followed by some of the most delicious liqueur chocolates I have ever tasted.  Yes, just another average day in the life....

The Peacock 1369

 The evening has taken on a sombre tone that no one seems able or willing to climb out of.  Twice, while eating bonbons, George has attempted some forced jollity about getting drunk on the liqueur they contain, and Jeffrey has managed to contain him with one artfully hissed, "Please!."  Dorothy seems calmer and has been telling us all about how with Chelsea and her Mom they all started a new life here in Vancouver and how they began their store, Magic, now an iconic landmark in Granville Island.  She seems more tolerable now, even likable.  I would imagine that her annoying behaviour was simply bottled up tears and grief.  Something I know only too well.  And Carol has announced that next week, we are all invited to her townhouse for a private recital she wants to please as with from her baby grand...

1368

 "You miss Mommy, don't you", murmurs Chelsea in Dorothy's ear. Both women appear pale, distressed and forlorn.

"I miss her terribly.  We both miss her", says Dorothy,.calmed to a sustained whimper.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" say I lamely to the two vulnerable sad women.

"Can you put the candies in a bowl", says Chelsea.  "There should be plenty for everyone."

"Yes", echoes Dorothy, "Plenty for everyone."

And I find in the buffet a big cut crystal bowl into which I dump the candies, where they glisten in their individual foil wrappers, purple, green, blue, orange and gold

"Come sleep in the house tonight, Dorothy.  I don't want you to be alone tonight.  I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Yes, that should be fine, Chelsea", she says, now composing herself.  "We'll both sleep tonight in your grandmother's house."

"Candy"? says Chelsea, placing a gold wrapped bonbon into the open hand of her grieving stepmother...

The Peacock 1367

 Dorothy is seated on the couch, flanked by Carol and Chelsea, a look of horror having seized her face.  Then she says in a flat and toneles voice, "My piñata"  George, Jeffrey, Jesús and Carl, have all been scooping up the scattered candies.  And now Sarah gets up off the chair, kneels down and begins to pick up the broken pieces and shards of the fallen piñata.  I run into the kitchen and pull a plastic bag from under the kitchen sink.  Back in the living room, I hold out the open bag

"You guys."  No one seems to hear me at first.  Then, I shout, "You guys!"  They all stop except for Jesús, who wants to harvest the very last of the fallen bonbons.  "You too Jesús."

He looks up at me stupidly from the floor.  "In the bag, every last one of the candies.  Right now. "  And they all obey without cavil.  

"Dorothy", say I, presenting her the bag, "I am so sorry for what just happened.  here are all the candies that were in the piñata.  She holds the bag on her knees and suddenly starts weeping, a thin keening wail ascending from her mouth. Chelsea and Carol both support her with arms around her shoulders.  Slowly she gathers herself.

"I am so sorry for all the fuss I just made.  "i am so dreadfully sorry", and she begins to convulse with sobs. François has just brought her a glass of wáter.  I am crouched down in front of her.

The Peacock1366

 From Dad´s tool drawer in the kitchen I have been able to source everything, hooks, nails, string and a hammer.  Dorothy seemed to be expecting that we would provide everything.  With help from Francois and Carl, and much coaching from Dorothy, for whom the piñata must be suspended just-so (I think I already dislike her).  And there it hangs in the living room, like an ostentatious, mutant Christmas star, waiting to be smashed to pieces.

"I brought blindfolds", says Dorothy.

"We are not blindfolding anyone", say I.

"but we want the experience to be authentic."

"But we are not having any broken ankles or bruises in this house."

"It cannot be done without blindfolds", she reiterates.

"It is being done this time without blindfolds."

"And who died and made you God."  And it is clear the dislike is very mutual.

"This happens to be my house you are in."

"Typical toxic male patriarchal bullshit."

And now I have snapped.

"You may leave now." The words have escaped from my mouth in a quiet roar.

"Not without my piñata", she grumbles, almost in a whine.

Francois climbs up on a diningroom chair with scissors.  The piñata crashes to the floor and shatters in countless pieces and now we are all scrambling to scoop up the liqueur chocolates like treasures found surviving in the ashes....

The Peacock 1365

 "Who are you to speak to me like that!"

"I am the director of this fledgling community, if you must ask."

"Says who?"

"How many guesses would you like?"

Now we are both silent, as though both absorbing the impact of my last statement, because to this moment, I have never imagined myself as director or leader of anything.

"You're right", she says suddenly.  "how could I have not seen it?  Especially the way you handled everything today.  only God's anointed leader could have acted with such wisdom and integrity."

"I didn't even know it", say I.  "Only now."

"Hey Chris", calls Carl from the living room.  "We need your help stringing up the piñata..."